PalinWatch: Day 14

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, Sarah Palin was interviewed on US tv last night. It's quite scary.
On increasing tensions with Russia:

"It doesn't have to lead to war and it doesn't have to lead to a Cold War, but
economic sanctions, diplomatic pressure, again, counting on our allies to help
us do that in this mission of keeping our eye on Russia and Putin."

It doesn't have to lead to war?! WTF!

On the war in Iraq:

"I believe that there is a plan for this world and that plan for this world is
for good. I believe that there is great hope and great potential for every
country to be able to live and be protected with inalienable rights that I
believe are God-given."

There's a fucking plan alright, but it had bugger all to do with this God she keeps going on about.

Here's a clip of 'Party Fears Two' by The Associates to help calm you all down.

"Ihre Papiere Bitte, Schnell!"

As anyone who has read my blog in the past will know, I'm not a big fan of the tabloid media. I think they print whatever they like, be it truthful or otherwise, they spin everything to their own agenda, not considering the ramifications of their actions, and when they do get it wrong, as they so often do, they hardly ever admit to it, so it is with some scepticism that I read a report today on the Daily Mail website.
I quote:

"Telford Town Park wardens have been ordered to stop and interrogate anyone who is not accompanied by children. The visitors who are quizzed have to explain their presence and risk being thrown out or reported to police if their answers are not satisfactory. The policy has been introduced at Telford Town Park in Shropshire. The council which manages the 420-acre area says it is a 'common sense approach' aimed at safeguarding children."

So, just to clarify, if I happened to be walking through Telford town park, whistling a jaunty tune and at one with the world, I run the risk of being a potential sex offender at the very least, or worse a paedophile, because as we all know, thanks to rags like the Daily Mail, paedophiles are EVERYWHERE!!!!

Every stranger that walks down your street is a kiddie-fiddler just casing the joint to snatch your little darling as soon as you turn your back, every wrong number that calls your house is hoping and praying that a child answers, and Gary Glitter has a home no more than an hour from you (if he were travelling by Eurofighter Typhoon).

The media are disseminating THE FEAR so well, that the vast majority of the public, who are good natured I'm sure, would think twice before helping a child in distress, I certainly would.

I remember fracturing my arm as a primary school kid. I man in a car saw me fall, and stopped to make sure I was ok. Realising I wasn't, he lifted me into his car, drove me home, then drove myself and my mother to the casualty department of the local hospital, whereupon my mother thanked him.

Would I do the same nowadays? No chance.

Welcome to Britain, 2008.

The End Of The World

Q. What does the Large Hadron Collider and Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin (pictured above with family, minus non-photogenic offspring) have in common?

A. Both are a bit scary and could spell the end for humanity.

I don't normally have anything to do with warmongering, gun-toting, anti-choice hairspray nazis, but the thought of Mrs Palin being the most powerful woman in the world scares the hell out of me.
"But why, Inchy?" I hear you cry:

1. Her answer to the gun problem in the States is not less guns, it's more guns!

2. If her daughter was brutally gang-raped, she would force her, by law if necessary, to carry any resulting pregnancy to full term.

3. Most scary of all, she's a Creationist, and therefore thinks that The Bible is a factual document and not a novel written 2000 years ago, and that God put dinosaur fossils in the ground just to test our faith.

She's 44, John McCain is 72, so there's a damn good chance she'll be the first female US President.

The Large Hadron Collider, on the other hand, well that's just a big giggle!

SWITCH IT ON!
SWITCH IT ON!

Cheater Or Champion?

Does anyone really give a shit?
These idiots do.

I actually hope he did cheat, because that might possibly make F1 interesting again, instead of the snoozefest that it currently is.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...........!

When I was a kid, my world revolved around Formula 1. I used to sit, every Sunday, inches from the tv to watch my hero, the late James Hunt, turn into superman behind the wheel of his car, but how things have changed. I think I'd probably prefer to watch cricket*.






*This is a lie.

Kids

I don't have them and and don't have any intention of having them, but to those of you who do, I salute you.
I've just spent virtually the whole weekend with The Demon's niece and nephew, 2 and 3 respectively, and I am more exhausted, mentally and physically, than at any time that I can remember.
Play guitar, play Ben 10, play fighting, play horses, play football, play Power Rangers, draw pictures, paint faces, dance, dance more, eat food, spit food, sing, play bouncy castle, go pee pee, dance again, cry for a bit, play Star Wars, play fighting again, hide, seek, hide & seek, dance a bit more, repeat until bored, etc etc, on and on, ad infinitum.
'Knackered' is an understatement at this point, so I think it'll be a bath and an early night.

Thank God for the amber nectar that is Kronenbourg 1664 premium French lager

Too Much Free Time . . .

. . . leads to things like this.

Pretty good all the same.

Fanzone 2

This is never not funny.

Unfeeling Bastard

I try not to get too concerned with other people's musical tastes, but I really have to ask:

Who is buying anything by 'The Feeling'?

Is there a more beige band currently performing anywhere on the planet?

The thing I don't understand is that quite a few people seem to regard them as the next big thing. Something I can't really get my head around given that their music far from fills my little world right up. 

They played Glastonbury, they played T In The Park, they played the iTunes Festival, and I'm sure that they must have played others, which leads to the inescapeable conclusion that someone is booking them thinking:

"Let's book The Feeling, they're grrrreat!"

No. They are shite.

Look at them up there, with their little androgenous faces, and their metrosexual product-controlled fey hairdos. They look about as much fun as irritable bowel syndrome.

You'd never get Lemmy turning to the camera, throwing back his hair and saying:

"Because I'm fucking worth it."

Undefeated

Some days you just wake up feeling golden. The sun was shining, 'Leisure Noise' by Gay Dad was on the car's CD player (one of 1999's most underrated albums), and life was good. Little was I to know it was about to get a whole lot better!

As per usual, I stopped at the SPAR minimarket on the way to work. For those unfamiliar with the SPAR chain of stores, they only ever seem to be placed in the seedier parts of town, where the customers seem to resemble Amy Winehouse minus the voice and millions.

As I enter the store I see two old Grannies deep in conversation about someone's tumour or the price of beetroot or whatever. We'll call them Granny Fran and Granny Anna.
I'd like to point out that I generally consider old people to be like zoo animals that someone has released into civilisation in order to annoy me and get in my way, but I digress.

After selecting my tasty treats I make my way to the cash register, manned as always by young Imogen. Granny Fran is explaining how bad her gout is so I take up station behind her. Almost immediately I'm aware of someone joining the queue behind me. A sneaky glance behind shows a pair of steel-toed workboots, leading me to believe that a tradesman of some kind is there (it's called situational awareness, the RAF are big into it).

As I look back up Granny Anna is sideling up to the queue at my 10 o'clock. She turns to me and flashes me the Granny equivalent of puppy dog eyes, clearly expecting me to allow her into the queue ahead of me!

From that moment on she became my adversary. She had engaged me in silent competition, people, and it was on!

I started formulating my tactics on how to beat her, but these urban combat situations are fluid and sometimes you just have to take the initiative when fate throws you an opportunity.

Granny Fran has finished paying and as she turns round, bitching about having to pay 2p for a bag, she drops her walking stick.

Bullet time.

Here was my moment. I drop, blocking Granny Anna between myself and the cardboard Lucozade display, pick up the walking stick, then I stand up and step forward to the till, AT THE SAME TIME!

It's all over bar the singing. Imogen starts ringing up my Irn Bru, cheese Doritos and my Kellogs Nutri-Grain bar (it's like an entire breakfast in one wee bar!) and Granny Anna is looking at me like I've pissed on her favourite armchair . . . . but my story is not yet over, dear friend.

Granny Anna, knowing she's been beaten by a worthy adversary, now turns the puppy dog eyes on Bob The Builder behind me who says, and I quote:

"On ye go, hen. I'll let you in!"

Oh happy day!

With a cheery "See ya!" I about face and walk out of the store with my head held high.

Still got it.

Salvation

Thank God/Allah/Buddha/The Flying Spaghetti Monster for The Plain English Campaign.
I really don't know where we'd be without them. Their tireless work has not gone unnoticed in Casa Inchy and both myself and The Demon both feel grateful that they have managed, through hard work and determination, to get Tesco to change the wording on their express checkout tills from:

"10 items or less"
to
"Up to 10 items"

Well I'm glad that particular dog's dinner of confusion has finally been cleared up.
Here's what The Plain English Campaign had to say:

"Saying up to 10 items is easy to understand and avoids any debate, "Fewer" should be used when you are talking about items that can be counted individually, for example, "fewer than 10 apples" and "Less" is correct when quantities cannot be individually counted in that case, e.g. "I would like less water".

Have these people really got nothing better to do than wander around pointing out grammar, syntax and compositional errors in shop signs? Can you imaging living with someone like that? When did you last 'debate' whether you had more than 10 items in your basket?

"Does a pack of Yakult count as one item, or is it 6 separate ones?!"

Arseholes.

Hellboy 2

I don't know what it is about film director Guillermo del Toro, but he's yet to produce a film that I haven't enjoyed. Mimic, Blade 2, the amazing Pan's Labyrinth, Hellboy and now Hellboy 2.
Hellboy 2 takes the main characters from the original and moves the story along a good deal further, explaining a bit more of Hellboy's past and pointing in the direction of his future, but at it's heart it's just a love story. Sure, it's hidden in a spectacular fantasy action film, but it's just a simple 'boy meets girl, boy and girl get together, boy and girl figure out how to live with each other' tale.
Ron Perlman and Selma Blair are excellent actors who you don't see a great deal of. They have genuine chemistry on screen, and there's one scene in particular where Hellboy and Abe get drunk that had me laughing like mad.
Being a Del Toro movie, the special effects and CGI is spectacular, and the creatures featured in the movie are way better than anything normally seen these days from Hollywood. He even manages to squeeze in a token 'environmental monster' without it feeling too forced.
I think a third and final installment is most definitely in order and would round the series off nicely, preferably with the same cast and crew.

I look forward to seeing his version of The Hobbit.

8/10 - Even The Demon enjoyed it.

Mid-Life Crisis: Part 1

Borag Thung, Earthlets!

I'll be 38 in October, so I think it's about time I had a mid-life crisis. As part of this, I've headed back to one of the fondest memories of my childhood and started reading the comic 2000AD again.
For those of you that have never heard of it, 2000AD is a sci-fi weekly comic that started life in early 1977 and that without doubt, from day one, shaped my literary and cinematic tastes for ever more.
I remember how excited I would be, rushing home from school, to see the latest issue and find out what Judge Dredd (don't you dare mention Sylvester Stallone!), Rogue Trooper, and my own favourite, the A.B.C. Warriors were getting up to. I still have all my old copies of it from issue 1 to issue 380-something, and in those rare occasions that I find myself in my parent's loft, I can guarantee that I'll end up spending an hour or so reading over them again. To this day I still consider them to be absolutely fantastic and I always feel great when I pour through them again.

When I reached my mid teens I stopped reading 2000AD. I'm not entirely sure why, but I seem to recall a slight change in the direction that the comic was taking, coupled with a burgeoning interest in written novels, ended my 7-odd year love affair with one of Britain's longest running and most successful weekly comics, but after a gap of some 24 years, I'm back.
I've been buying 2000AD in its current format for some weeks now and one of the best things about it is that, in part, it feels like I was never away. Judge Dredd is still there, the A.B.C. Warriors are still there, but the characters that are all new to me are also interesting and original. In fact, I'd go as far as saying that comic books and video games are the ONLY forms of entertainment media where anything original is happening. Hollywood has stalled and can only see as far as the next re-make, tv is only interested in reality or talent shows, but video games and comics continue to push on with new and inventful storylines. Judge Dredd alone has been in print every single week for over 30 years and is still the most popular character in the comic. If ever the executives in the Hollywood studios need inspiration, look no further.

It's good to come home.

Splundig Vur Thrigg!

All aboard the bandwagon!

Never one to miss out on a good bandwagon, I'll shamelessly jump on the Jagmeister's 'Over-Rated' post and list a few of my own. Here's my list of things I consider to be overrated or just plain shite:

1. Social Networking. Great, you've made contact with people you haven't seen in years but didn't really miss in the first place.

2. Cats. Why have a pet that doesn't like you and will maim you as soon as look at you?

3. Reality TV. "Day 472. Shabazz blows his head off with a sawn-off shotgun. No one notices."

4. 4x4's. Great, you have a low ratio gearbox and big tyres. When was the last time you went off road with it?

5. Sushi. It's raw fucking fish! You'd be just as well eating uncooked fish fingers.

6. Detoxing. You're fooling no one.

7. Bluetooth Headsets. Looking like a dick is the price you pay for daring to believe that you are popular/important enough that people will need to talk to you ALL THE TIME.

8. Hair. I got rid of mine ages ago and life is so much better for it.

9. Designer Clothing Shops. Pay £50 for a t-shirt? Not any more, TK Max is my church.

10. Camping. Fuck that. No way, never, not unless hurricane Sanjay blows my house down.

11. Religion. It's for the hard of thinking.

12. War. There have only ever been two worthwhile wars. One is by U2 and the other is by Edwin Starr.

13. Yoga. You're not doing anything, you're just sitting quietly!

14. Blogs. Come on people, you don't really care what I think, be honest.

15. Tabloids. Every single thing they print is twisted around someone's agenda.

16. Politicians. They all lie for a living, each and every one of the bastards.

17. Foreign Holidays. Explore some of your own country and history. Surprise yourself.

18. Microwave Ovens. Don't own one, never needed one.

19. Modern Art. Dear oh fucking dear, do not get me started.

20. Facial Hair. I hate shaving and if someone offered me a pill tomorrow that would guarantee that I'd never have to shave again, I'd take it.

21. Smoking. Why would you want to look/smell/taste like a fucking ashtray? Vomit inducing.

22. The Rolling Stones. Please, for the love of God, just stop!

23. Paris Hilton.

Scotland, Big Up Yaself!

It's not every day that my wee nation has cause to shout about itself, so I decided to take a half-day from work (using the old my-car-needs-a-new-windscreen trick, which it does, but that only took 20 minutes to sort out) and head through to Edinburgh, fair capital city of Scotland, to join in the celebrations for some of our returning Olympic athletes.

These celebrations would be in the form of an open topped bus parade down the Royal Mile to the Scottish Parliament building in Hollyrood, and to say I was surprised at the amount of well-wishers and bemused tourists who turned out is an understatement. It was choc-a-bloc with people of all ages, and indeed nationalities, waving saltires and taking photos, myself included. I'd read that the authorities were expecting around 7000 people, but it certainly felt like a much bigger crowd than that.
When the bus carrying canoeist David Florence, rowing captain Katherine Grainger and cyclists Ross Edgar and Chris Hoy reached me, the cheer that went up was spectacular and genuinely emotional, helped in no small part by the screams from a class of primary school kids who all went absolutely bugfuck when Chris Hoy shouted down to them.

I think that the term 'legend' is now wholly applicable to Chris Hoy. He, for me, IS the 2008 Olympics, without taking anything away from the other athletes who hit personal bests, broke British records, and won medals. I enjoyed watching his performances more than any other, and I think that he'll be a huge inspiration to kids all over the world, let alone here in the UK, and a great ambassador for the world of cycling.

Talking of personal bests, I've just managed to get 629.8 miles out of a full tank of diesel (that's 59+mpg, baby!) in the ebay car. This is what my life has come to as I approach my 40th birthday, kicking and screaming all the way. Time for a mid-life crisis I think!

Top Tottie Tuesday: August '08

I think if I was American I'd vote for Senator John McCain. I don't agree with any of his policies, but his wife is a fox! Cindy McCain, 54, was just 25 when she met war hero John in 1979. He was married but that didn't stop him rapidly deploying into her demilitarised zone and staging a little coup d’état. He divorced his then wife Carol pretty damn quickly, and who can blame the man! I'm sure we've all wanted to trade the family people carrier in for a nippy two-seater sports car at some point in our lives!

Just look at that photo. Even with a bloody great stookie on her arm, she's hot! John knows it, just look how happy he is.

Yessiree!

P.S. - Due to a war injury, poor John has to walk around like that all the time. Those North Vietnamese can be so cruel.

再见圆的眼睛，感谢花费所有您的现金

With the flash and the bang of a few hundred thousand fireworks, the games of the XXIX Olympiad in Beijing draw to a close, and I have to say that they've been excellent.
43 world records broken, 132 Olympic records broken, and the first ever medals for Afghanistan, Mauritius, Tajikistan and Togo.
The Brits of Team GB finally ended up in 4th place overall in the medal table behind the superpowers that are Russia, USA and China.
The UK's performance has been spectacular, and it's great to see that it was some of the lesser known athletes who really upped their game and brought home a medal as a reward.
I still don't think we should be hosting the games in 2012, but I'll definitely be hoping to get along to some of the events in Olde London Towne in a few years time.

Part of the credit for the Beijing games being so enjoyable has to go to the BBC. Their coverage has been spot on, with, for the most part, informative and intelligent presenters, and extremely professional pundits like Michael Johnson, who's made more sense in two weeks than Gordon Brown has in his career.
The interactive 'red button' has finally found a place in my life, and High Definition video came into it's own during Chris Hoy's performance in the velodrome.

I just wish our national anthem was a bit more inspiring.

Man On A Mission

Adrian Sudbury.

Inspirational.

Radio England

I'm a big fan of BBC Radio 5 Live

"The UK's home of live news and live sport"

...but I'm feeling a bit disgruntled with them at the moment.
I've just listened to the 5Live Sport show that runs nightly from 7-8pm. It went a little something like this:
7:00-7:30pm - Commentary on the England football match from last night.
7:30-7:31pm - News (including the England football match from last night)
7:31-7:43pm - Commentary on the England cricket team.
7:43-7:47pm - Round up of Team GB's day in Beijing, including an interview with their psychologist and how could he help the England football team.
7:47-7:54pm - Lewis Hamilton on this weekend's Valencia Grand Prix.
7:54-8:00pm - Commentary on Arsenal's involvement with a cancer charity.

I can't help but notice that there was no mention of the other home nations.

Where did I put my bloody kilt?!

Finally . . .

. . . I've got the Olympic Spirit.
As a cyclist, I'd enjoyed Nicole Cooke's win in the women's cycling road race, but I'd happily avoided pretty much everything else . . . right up until Chris Hoy, Jason Kenny and Jamie Staff won the team sprint gold medal on Friday. From then on I've been shouting at the tv all weekend. The men's coxless four in the rowing, Rebecca Adlington in the swimming pool, Chris Hoy, Bradley Wiggins, Rebecca Romero and Wendy Houvenaghel in the velodrome, and Ben Ainslie in the sailing. They've all experienced my vociferous armchair patriotism.

GO GB! GO GB!

I have to say, again as a cyclist, Britain absolutely kicks ass in the world of the bicycle. We're absolutely dominating the Olympic track cycling events, with potentially more gold medals to come, but even outside the games themselves, we rule. The men's, women's and men's junior downhill mountain bike World Champions are all Brits, and I still cannot believe that, what I consider to be, one of the most exciting and impressive world sports ISN'T included in the Olympics. Downhill mountain bike racing is, quite frankly, fucking incredible to watch, just cast your eyes over this clip of Britain's Gee Atherton becoming a God if you don't believe me.

Also, what can you say about Usain Bolt?
With a healthy porn addiction, it's not the first time I've been impressed by a big black man, but his 100 metres final was one of the most jaw-dropping spectacles of the games so far. He backed off with 10 metres to go and still annihilated the world record. When the day comes when he really goes for a world record time, I think it'll be a time that will stand for decades.

Vive le Sport!


P.S. - I've recently received a new Nokia N95 mobile phone, and while it's an incredible little bit of kit, it's quite clearly a bad thing to have when you're in the pub. I give you exhibit A and exhibit B.

Who Da Man?

Chris Hoy.

He da man.

Bastards!

Renewed your UK Passport lately?

Anyone?

Anyone?

No, just me then?

Ok, just so you know, it now costs £72 pounds to renew your passport.
Yes, I did say seventy two fucking pounds sterling. That's for the privilege of having a new photo and a new 42 page book that hardly ever gets stamped any more, for doing all the administrative legwork myself via the online form that I fill in and then bizarrely have posted back out to me to sign then post back again, and for supplying my details once more that'll probably just end up in a laptop that gets left on a fucking train!

£72 pounds!

What exactly do they do for all that folding?
Does someone extensively research my background to ascertain whether I am who I claim to be? Does a man in a van with blacked-out windows snap my visage through a massive telephoto lens to compare to the £3.99 photos from Boots that I submit with my form? Or does a school leaver simply type in my details, make sure they match what they already have, and click on the button marked 'issue'.
Am I really such a cynic?

The Good Stuff

Last night saw me relinquishing yet another pint of my finest B- (see above) to the Scottish Blood Transfusion Service. I've been a blood donor since I was old enough to donate, mostly due to my father. He's blood group O-, the rare one, and would get a phone call every 12 weeks to let him know that it was time to go along and donate again. I'd go with him and sit on the end of the bed, so when I became old enough to donate myself there were no terrors or unknowns for me.

This leads me on to the whole blood/organ/bone marrow donor debate.
I definitely think that the system of organ donation in this country should switch from being an 'opt in' to an 'opt out' system. To my knowledge, in a department of 11 people, I'm the only registered organ donor, I think I'm the only regular blood donor, and I'm sure I'm the only registered bone marrow donor, yet any time I've spoken to the guys at work they all agree that:

"Once I'm dead they can have what they like"

That's all well and good, but unless you've had that discussion with your family and next of kin, or you register and carry a card, then that's just a lot of hot air.
Almost everyone in the UK applies for a passport or driving license at some point early in their lives, and all it would take is adding 1 little tick box to the form that says 'I do NOT wish my organs to be harvested in the event of my death', and overnight life for the people in this country awaiting organ transplants would change for the better.

As for the blood and bone marrow donation, well you can't force people to donate, and I wouldn't want to, but I'm pretty sure each and every one of us knows someone who has needed a blood transfusion at some point in the past, a transfusion that most probably saved their lives.
Enough said.


Oh yeah, as for all you Jehovah's Witnesses, would you please get out of the gene pool, you're just spoiling the fun for all the rest of us.

When Mountain Bikes Attack!

As most of you regular readers will know, myself and my friends are keen mountain bikers, but today our luck caught up with us. Now I'm not saying that we're the best in the world, but we're not slow and we're not afraid of big air, but when things go wrong at these velocities they tend to go VERY wrong.

Picture the scene.
Myself and the rest of The Restless Natives are waiting on the last member of our merry troupe to finish his run. Suddenly, Cletus the slack-jawed yokel and International Man Of Mystery bursts into view, travelling pretty fast.
Cue much shouting of encouragement and general peer pressure from friends.
Cletus hits the last, and very large, jump with total commitment. Cletus then finds himself with plenty of hangtime as he's approximately 8 feet in the air. Gravity finally asserts it's authority and pulls. The bike touches down, it goes one way, Cletus goes the other way.

Thump!

Silence.

When we got to him, Cletus was winded and lying in a pretzel like configuration. After some anxious moments, Cletus raises himself to a seating position, whereupon it's clear to all concerned that the Clavicle, or collar bone, has quite clearly broken.

Ouch.

I suppose all sport has it's risks, but had Cletus not had on a full-face helmet, he would surely be looking at adding a concussion, or possibly even a fractured skull to his list of injuries.
Suffice to say I paid attention and I'll be ordering one myself as soon as I'm paid.

Going The Extra Mile

Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm reassured that all humans aren't thick as the proverbial plank, by being on the receiving end of high levels of service from staff in shops and the suchlike.

One such staff member is Andrew, owner of Run Ecosse, a fittness and running shop 2 minutes up the road from me here in Olde Falkirk Towne. In the past he's actually recommended to me to purchase a particular product at another shop because it's cheaper there. Now that's treating the customer like an equal, and it's also the reason that I'll always go back to his shop whenever I need something he can supply.
Unfortunately, due to something called 'karma', for every Andrew, there must also be a Stacy.

Please note the Phillips CR2032 Lithium battery in the picture above, convieniently placed near a UK pound coin for an easy size comparison.
I'll just run you through the purchase shenanigans:

Stacey stands at the cash register with a blank expression that hints at either complete apathy or complete incompetence, either or both, who knows.

Stacey - "Just the battery?"
Han Solo - "Yes thanks"
Stacey - "Would you like to take out a Homebase credit card for this purchase?"
Han - "Whit?"
Stacey - "Would you like . . . etc"
Han - "No, it's only £1.99!"
Stacey - "Ok, that'll be £1.99 please"
Money changes hands.
Stacey - "Would you like a bag for that?"
Han - Without looking up "Ha Ha!"
Looks up.
Stacey - "Would you like a bag for that?"
Han - Tries to raise a smile "No, I think I'll be able to manage it just as it is, ha ha!"
Stacey - ".........."
Fin

Clearly Stacey has a bright future in a call centre somewhere, and if Andrew carries on like that he'll go out of business!

A Welcome Return

I think that Richard Ashcroft is a god who walks amongst us. Plain and simple.
But it has to be said that as a band, The Verve have been a bit hit or miss. Sure, 'Urban Hymns' is an absolute classic, but 'A Storm In Heaven' from '93 and 'A Northern Soul' from '95 both fell a bit wide of the the mark for me, but I CANNOT stop listening to their new single 'Love Is Noise'. It's brilliant. Absolutely brilliant, and just my kind of thing. A confident slice of plain old rock if ever I heard it, and I really hope that their new album 'Forth' is a return to something special.

Turn it up.

Really loud.

Peter Stringfellow

I'm on a continuing quest to recapture my youth, therefore, I've been busy again.

The Fucking F Word

I love and hate 'The F Word' in equal measure. Sure it's interesting seeing how people in far flung places like Iceland catch and cook Puffin, but Gordon Ramsey is just a complete arsehole. He's one of the few people that I genuinely think I'd like to uppercut, you know, a real hay-maker, right from the ankles. When I saw him stroll onto the pitch of Ibrox Park in tonight's show and mutter "It's good to be home" I had to burst out laughing. He goes on and on about his 'career' with Glasgow Rangers Football Club at almost any opportunity, but just to be clear, Gordy:

You played 1 game for the reserve team. Get over it.

As for the "paying" clientèle, well one posh bint actually described her dessert as:

"It's like a little explosion of happiness in your mouth"

I mean really, where the fuck do they get these people from?

"Yeah, I found it to be just a little bit tart"

Can someone please explain what the hell that means?

The Dark Knight

I really enjoyed Chris Nolan's 'Batman Begins' so it was with some excitement that The Demon and I headed off to the IMAX cinema at the Glasgow Science Centre last night to catch his sequel 'The Dark Knight', which, just so we're clear, will definitely be getting a 10/10 at the end of this post.

Trust me, you can believe the hype.

The Appetisers

Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman reprise their roles as 'Alfred' the butler and 'Lucius Fox', but in reality they just walk around being Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman. This is no bad thing as I'm sure Michael Caine would struggle with anything other than a chirpy cockney accent, and if Morgan Freeman told me the Earth was flat, I'd believe him.

The Side Salad

Maggie Gyllenhaal takes over the role of 'Rachael Dawes' from Katie Cruise, nee Holmes, who I presume is off being one half of 'KC and the Sunshine Man'. She (Gyllenhaal) plays the part convincingly enough, but the problem I had with her is that, in all honesty, she's a bit of a minger. Every time she's on screen with Christian Bale I kept thinking "There's no way he's shagging you, luv. Not unless you get him drunk".
Aaron Eckhart's 'Harvey Dent', on the other hand, is integral to the plot of the film, and it's a damn fine job he does too. This is surely going to land him many more roles.

The Main Course

Anyway, enough of all this preamble, it's time to ask:

The Heath Ledger Question?

Is his portrayal of The Joker worthy of an Oscar?

No. Niet. Nein. Non.

Of course it isn't. It was never going to be. He comes across as a menacing, deranged, crazy psychopath alright, but after all the hype he's a bit of a one trick pony, a bit one dimensional.
Having said that, he is impressive, but to be honest all four main actors do a tremendous job here. It's a real team effort. Aaron Eckhart, Gary Oldman, Heath Ledger, and of course Christian Bale.

He's now the definitive Batman, and has surely done enough to make the character his own. He's also now definitely Hollywood A-list, and deservedly so. Some of his previous films have been excellent, some not so, but his performance in them has never been in question.
You only have to look at 'American Psycho' (2000), the excellent 'The Machinist' (2004), and 'Harsh Times' (2005) to see three films that are entirely carried on his shoulders alone.
Trust me, hunt these films out.

As for 'The Dark Knight' itself, well without giving the story away, it is absolutely outstanding, and ticks all my boxes. It has all the adrenaline junkie action you could want, but don't think you can simply take your brain out of gear and let it carry you along on a raft of CGI nonsense, oh no, there's far more to it than that. There's some serious gravitas here. This is a rare summer blockbuster that's as heavy on quality of writing as it is quantity of action. It's an extremely well thought out thriller, and delivers on so many levels. I'm struggling to think of the last time I enjoyed a film as much as this one.

Comparing 'Batman Begins' to 'The Dark Knight' is like comparing 'The Hobbit' to 'The Lord Of The Rings'. Chris Nolan surpasses his original by two or three light years, and it's he who should be getting the Oscar nomination. He's proved that with the right team and effort, you can actually take an action film seriously.

One more for the trilogy box set please!

10/10

PS - I want a Batmobile so much it hurts.

There But For The Grace Of God Go I

I read today that former tv presenter John Leslie won't be charged with rape following an allegation made by a woman a couple of months ago. Now I'm no John Leslie fan, in fact I have no feelings towards Mr Leslie one way or another, but a tiny wee part of me couldn't help feeling a bit sorry for him.

An allegation of rape is every guys nightmare.

I had a lot of fun in my twenties with the opposite sex, and on more than one occasion woke up not only in a room I didn't recognise, but clearly having had unprotected sex with a woman I didn't recognize and completely unable to remember the bedroom gymnastics at all!

Given that I'm a man, and game for anything, all I felt was disappointed at my drink-fueled amnesia, but who's to say anyone else of either gender waking up in a similar situation would feel like I did? An allegation of rape, after admitting having no recollection of the act itself, would be virtually impossible to refute. 'My word against theirs' is hardly a viable defence if you're unsure of yourself.

John Leslie clearly likes sex. Some would say he's a sex addict, much like Michael Douglas claimed to be, but what goes on behind closed consenting doors is fine by me, I'm no judge.

He may well be a rapist, how the fuck would I know? That's what courts are for, but I think that it's about time that the law in this country was changed to protect the anonymity of both parties, not just the complainant. The waters seem a bit muddy to me.

Top Tottie Tuesday: July '08

Welcome to the inaugural Top Tottie Tuesday. This may, or most probably may not, become a regular feature in my cyber life, who knows.

Today's TT is Melissa Auf Der Maur. Canadian by birth, Melissa played bass in the band 'Hole' and also in 'The Smashing Pumpkins' and is now a successful artist in her own right, and, as you can clearly see, is what young people would call 'a hottie'. For some reason chicks who play bass do it for me.

Welcome onboard the Falcon, Melissa.

My Life In Movies

Ok, bear with me here.
Rol has asked me to lay down my life in movies. The concept is straight forward enough, take what you consider to be your favourite film from each year of your life and compile the list. The only problem with this particular meme is that it requires a fair bit of research on your part. Wikipedia, you are my God.

In the interests of saving time (both yours and mine), I'll just list the films themselves without an explanation as to why I picked it.

Here goes:

1970 - Kelly's Heroes
What's not to like?

1971 - THX 1138
Groundbreaking.

1972 - Silent Running
As relevant now as it was then.

1973 - Dark Star
Doesn't get much stranger than this.

1974 - The Towering Inferno
Paul Newman AND Steve McQueen!

1975 - Doc Savage: The Man Of Bronze
The template for Indiana Jones.

1976 - Logan's Run
"Carousel! Carousel!"

1977 - Star Wars
"Punch It Chewie!"

1978 - The Wild Geese
Burton, Moore, Harris, Granger.

1979 - Alien
The best sci-fi movie ever made.

1980 - The Blues Brothers
This film is a member of the comedy elite.

1981 - An American Werewolf In London
"Don't stray off the path, lads!"

1982 - Tron
"Put him on the game grid"

1983 - Risky Business
Rebecca De Mornay and a Porsche 928. All is good in the world.

1984 - The Killing Fields
As moving as war movies get.

1985 - The Breakfast Club
Great cast, great writing, great music. The best teen flick.

1986 - Aliens
Vietnam in space. "I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."

1987 - Full Metal Jacket
Arguably the best war movie ever made.

1988 - Stormy Monday
Sting, Tommy lee Jones, and James Cosmo . . . in Newcastle.

1989 - Dead Poets Society
'Coming of age' films rarely interest me, but this one does.

1990 - Goodfellas
No question, the ultimate gangster flick.

1991 - New Jack City
Black is back.

1992 - Unforgiven
Clint's finest hour.

1993 - Dazed And Confused
An amazing ensemble cast, outstanding music, and lots of drugs. Perfection.

1994 - Shallow Grave
THE BEST surprise ending.

1995 - Powder
Really hard to describe this film, just watch it.

1996 - From Dusk Till Dawn
Put your brain in neutral, have a beer & a pizza, and enjoy.

1997 - Donnie Brasco
Pacino & Depp raise the bar.

1998 - The Acid House
Read the book first, it's amazing (it helps to be Scottish though).

1999 - 200 Cigarettes
A little known diamond.

2000 - Love, Honour and Obey
"Fix bayonets!"

2001 - Shrek
As good as animation gets.

2002 - Narc
Ray Liotta as you've never seen him before.

2003 - 21 Grams
It's got Sean Penn in it!

2004 - The Butterfly Effect
Not exactly Oscar material, but fresh and original.

2005 - The Constant Gardener
Ralph Fiennes acts his tits off.

2006 - The Good Shepherd
More Timothy Hutton please.

2007 - No Country For Old Men
Deserved the Oscar.

Some of these films were selected because they were very good, others because they were very bad, and some because they just make me feel good. Some are predictable pulp fiction, and others may just be off the beaten track for some people, but if I had to pick one film from all of those above to have with me on my desert island it'd be 1993's 'Dazed And Confused', I never tire of it.

I won't tag anyone else to do this meme as it's taken me two and a half hours! I suffer for my art.

miTunes

I'm kinda bored today and there's not a lot happening, so I thought I'd enrich everyone's lives by adding a playlist of some of my favourite songs to my blog.

I have my pc hooked up through a hifi system, so it all sounds pretty damn good to my ears, but please be sure to to tell me if it annoys the tits off you and I'll remove it.

In the meantime, here's a photo of a cat in a hat.

N-Joi

Bad MoFo

The bad guy.
The most coveted role in any movie.
Everyone wants to play him. He gets all the best action, the hottest chicks, and he definitely gets the coolest lines.
As a follow on from my last post regarding Heath Ledger's impending Joker, I thought I'd list some of my favourite bad guys from over the years.

Here we go (in no particular order):

Dr Christian Szell (Lawrence Olivier) - 'Marathon Man' (1976)

I remember the first time I watched this film. I was a kid who already had a healthy phobia about the dentist. This really didn't help matters. It's still a real surprise to see old Larry as a bad guy.

John Doe (Kevin Spacey) - 'Se7en' (1995)

The lack of any anger or aggression that Kevin Spacey puts into the character of 'John Doe' just makes him all the more chilling. Still a fantastic end to a film.

Raven Shaddock (Willem Dafoe) - 'Streets Of Fire' (1984)

I love this film. It was pulp fiction before anybody thought about making 'Pulp Fiction', and has an awesome soundtrack.

Norman Stanfield (Gary Oldman) - 'Leon' (1994)

Gary Oldman is one of my favourite actors. He can play good guys, but his bad guys, of which there have been many, are superb. This is his best though, as the dirty cop in the film that introduced the world to Natalie Portman, who would one day go on to help bring balance to The Force.

Tommy DeVito (Joe Pesci) - 'Goodfellas' (1990)

Without question the finest gangster movie of all time. Joe Pesci is truly scary in this film, and it's still Ray Liotta's finest hour, with the possible exception of 'Narc'.

Come on, who have I missed?

"...and the Oscar goes to..."

As I'm sure most of you will be aware, the next instalment of the Batman franchise is released soon. I really enjoyed director Chris Nolan's previous effort 'Batman Begins', so it's with some expectation that I'm looking forward to 'The Dark Knight'.
The only problem I have is with the actor who plays the Joker, Heath Ledger.
Now I'm sure that he was a very nice man, and I'm sure that he'll probably have done a decent job of playing the twisted and evil Joker, but it's time for a wee reality check:

"It's the best performance of a villain I have seen. My feeling is that he will get a nomination, I would be very surprised if he didn't get the Oscar - he has my vote anyway," - Sir Michael Caine

"I haven't seen a villain like this, or a bad guy like this, since Dennis Hopper played Frank Booth in Blue Velvet - this out-scares Hannibal Lecter." - Gary Oldman

"I needed a phenomenal actor, but he also had to be someone unafraid of taking on such an iconic role. Heath created something entirely original. It's stunning, it's captivating. It's going to blow people away." - Chris Nolan (Director)

Now I'm not for a second suggesting that Heath Ledger's performance ISN'T everything above, but now that everyone has come out and built it up, it bloody better be!
The best I can say is that he's been pretty good, if not outstanding, in everything I've seen him in, which isn't much to be honest. In fact, I think I've only seen him in '10 Things I Hate About You' and 'A Knights Tale'. Cynically, I'm sure he wouldn't be receiving such universal acclaim if he were still with us.

As anyone who has read this blog in the past will know, I'm a HUGE fan of the cinema and tend to see films as soon as they are released, so with that in mind, should I be wrong and find that his performance does indeed 'blow me away', I'll happily watch and review 'Brokeback Mountain' and pose in a homo-erotic photograph which I'll post on here, but I'm sure my ass is safe.

PS - Just for the record, the best joker, by a huge margin, was Cesar Romero in the original Batman TV series.

This week I'm listening to 'Geraldine' by Glasvegas, and liking it because I can sing along correctly.

Mock The Week

Thank fuck.

Thank fuck that one of the few truly great tv shows made by ANY British television network is back for another series on our screens. It's been a long 6 months or so without my regular Thursday night fix of Dara and the boys, and last nights show hit the ground running with Russell Howard and the invincible Frankie Boyle being stand outs for me.

The sooner that tv executives realise that THIS is entertainment, not shite like Big Brother or Lily Allen And Friends, the better our world will become.

Fact.

Cassandra's Dream

Here's what Wikipedia has to say about Woody Allen:

Woody Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg) is an American film director, actor, writer, jazz musician, comedian and playwright. Allen's distinctive films, which run the gamut from intense dramas to screwball sex comedies, have made him one of the most respected living American directors.

Not in my house he ain't.
Whilst the above may all be true, after viewing his latest offering, Cassandra's Dream, perhaps he should now focus on playing the clarinet, and leave the film writing and directing to those who are actually any good at it.
The plot concerns two brothers, Ian (Ewan McGregor) and Terry (Colin Farrell) both of whom have their own dire money worries. They decide to seek help from rich Uncle Howard (Tom Wilkinson) who agrees to bail them out, but in return they have to kill someone. The rest of the film then tracks the two brothers differing reactions to what they have become. Ian is content with his crime, but Terry is plagued by inner demons. The film also follows Ian's relationship with his new and exotic girlfriend, a relationship that contributes not one iota to the story or plot!

It's shite. No point beating around the bush, it's just shite. This film sucks more than a $10 hooker. It's slower than a week in jail and seems to take forever to get moving, but by far and away the worst perpetrator in this cinematic crime is Ewan McGregor. I've now come to the conclusion that he's just not a very good actor.
I like the guy, but he was acted off the screen by Colin Farrell, and that's saying something! Perhaps he might want to stick to riding his motorbike around the planet..
The film eventually lurches from one tried & trusted cinema cliche to the next and ends up at it's entirely predictable ending. Thank God/Allah/Buddah/The Force.

I should have stayed at home and watched a CSI.

3/10

"You can't park that there!"

As one does during days off, I often stumble upon the most bizarre of online flotsam & jetsam.
And I quote:

Chieftain Mk10 Main Battle Tank

Mark 10. Good working order. Recent renovations include new (reconditioned) engine and gearbox, replacement of final drive gearboxes and sprockets; new (new) GUI (donkey engine and generator) with fully functional hydraulic start; replacement of near-side wheel station including hubs, swing arms etc. Tracks in good condition. Turret electrics not used so working order not known but advised should be OK. Recently repainted so looking good and ready to go. Reason for sale: Moving to Russian military vehicles.

£14,000 + VAT ono.

If my disposable income allowed it, my house would possibly be the safest in Britain!

Teach Me The Ways Of The Force

Learner drivers.
We've probably all been one at some point in our lives. I've been one three times, once in a car, once in a truck, and once on a motorbike. I still sympathise with these poor people as I clearly remember the stress that I went through whilst I was learning, but here's a small tip for any driving instructors out there. If you take your pupil down a carriageway at 30mph that is clearly signposted as a 50mph zone, then you're just teaching them how to fail a driving test. Also, as a matter of professional courtesy, I'd really try and resist the temptation to roll the window down and have a cigarette whilst trying to teach someone how to drive, it's probably breaking some kind of law, but if you really have to, please don't flick your cigarette butt in the face of the motorcyclist alongside you. Yes, I have a helmet on, but no, I can't hear you apologise, I'm too busy imagining disembowelling you with a broken beer bottle dipped in salt. Cunt.

The Mist

Stephen King.
Love him or loathe him, you can't argue that he's one of the greatest authors of modern times.
The latest King novella to hit the big screen is 'The Mist', which featured in the 1980 short story collection 'Dark Forces', and it's an absolute cracker.
Here's the basic outline. A strange mist descends on a small lakeside town. Within the mist all manner of bizarre and lethal creatures live and they all would like a piece of the survivors who are holed up in the town's supermarket.
It's got everything you could ask for, a great cast of relatively unknown actors, excellent plot development, and a cracking good ending. Sure it has tons of CGI creatures, but they are almost incidental to the main story, the gradual psychological breakdown of the survivors in the store.

But . . .

It's bloody bleak.
Oh, it's dark alright. It exposes the horror that is humanity for all to see.
If you are suffering from post natal depression, if you have recently started self-harming, or if you are Chris Martin from Coldplay, DO NOT see this movie, it might just send you over the edge.

Me? I bloody loved it!
9/10

Totally . . .

. . . deserved.

Charidee: Part 3

As a follow on to a post I made a few weeks ago regarding Adrian Sudbury and his fight to educate the world about bone marrow donation, here's another link to the petition to the UK government to make bone marrow donation education compulsory for schools, colleges, and places of higher learning.

Come on people, all you have to do is give a shit*.

*Not literally.

Hancock

The Demon hated it, but I enjoyed the new Will Smith flick 'Hancock' last night.

The trailer had all the action, slap-stick, and comedy that I've come to expect from Hollywood's summer blockbuster movies, but it's not as simple as that. The trouble is that 'Hancock' doesn't really know what it's trying to be. It's not entirely an action film, it's not entirely a drama, and it's not entirely a comedy, it's a strange combination of all three. I have to admit that I'm still unsure whether that aspect of the movie really worked, but although it's unlikely to trouble anyone come the Oscars I enjoyed it nevertheless.

It's a good cast mix. I'll happily watch anything with uber babe Charlize Theron in it, and it's good to see more of Jason Bateman, but Will Smith just can't do any wrong as far as I'm concerned. He's great as the surly drunk super hero. In fact I can't really think of a movie in which Big Willie has disappointed. Sure, 'I, Robot' and 'Independence Day' were pretty ropey at best, and 'I Am Legend' was just rubbish, but it's never been Mr Smith's performance that let them down, just a lack of a decent adaptation of the original ideas. He's one of my favourite actors and I look forward to him getting some more parts that stretch his acting abilities as films like 'The Pursuit Of Happyness' and 'Ali' show that he's more than capable.

Overall I thought that the concept of a grumpy superhero that no one likes was original and well thought out, and it's refreshing to see a superhero movie that doesn't rely solely on the disease that is CGI to carry it, but I'd like to see the 30 minutes that were reputedly edited out of the second half of the film. They may tie up some of the loose ends that were left dangling, but no doubt the inevitable sequel will clear those up.

7.5/10

Anarchy In The UK: 2

I really don't know what Britain is coming to.
I've just been browsing the BBC news 24 website and I'm genuinely shocked and angered at the level of violent crime in this country. It's staggering.

Shakilus Townsend, 16, stabbed and murdered in broad daylight.
Ben Kinsella, 16, stabbed and murdered in the street.
Hamouda Bessaad, 34, stabbed and murdered in Old Kent Road, London.
Dee Willis, 28, stabbed and murdered in Peckham, London.
And the most horrific:
Laurent Bonomo & Gabriel Ferez, both 23, stabbed, in their own home, over 240 times then set on fire.

Those are all just from London and from the last week.

Where do I begin?

I suppose I should feel lucky. I live in a nice town, with a good record against violent crime. The local beat constable is The Demon's brother, so is often to be seen at my home, thereby (possibly) deterring a criminal or two. If only those same criminal masterminds knew that he usually drops in to take a shit in my toilet because the one in his station has "the wrong kind of paper"!

But I don't feel lucky. I feel fucking blind rage that the government in this country has allowed our society to degenerate to the stage where jail is no longer a deterrent, where offenders carrying out community service cannot be singled out by bright orange jumpsuits for fear of psychologically damaging them, and where a prison inmate can successfully take the Government to court because he has to slop out his own shit from his cell.

ITS. ALL. FUCKING. WRONG.

No one should be afraid to walk down their own street, and I apologise for sounding like my dad, but things were different when I were a lad. The thought of punishment for doing something wrong, be it by the police or my dad, scared the shit out of me, still does, but today couldn't be further from that 1970's truth.

Jail is no longer a deterrent, it's an inconvenience.
Community service has never been a deterrent, it's just a chore.
Fines aren't a deterrent if you don't have the money to pay in the first place.

I don't know the answer, but maybe Jaggy wasn't far off the mark with Jaggy Island.
It's not a deterrent if it's easy.

"But what can I do, I'm just an ordinary member of the community?" I hear you say dear reader.

Well, here's what I'm going to do. Come the general election in 18 months or so, my vote will be based solely on antisocial behaviour and what the main parties propose to do about it.
Forget the economy, that's the Bank of England's job.
Forget Afghanistan, we're already there, have to make the best of a bad job.
Forget the environment, that's a job for business, industry, and God.
Forget the NHS, it's terminally ill itself.
Make your voice heard. Make this the number 1 priority. Let these lying fuckers that play Monopoly with us know that an ASBO or an electronic tag doesn't constitute punishment.

Here endeth the sermon.

P.S. - I'm now on holiday for a week. Sweet.
P.P.S. - This week I'm liking 'Time To Pretend' by MGMT.

The Garden

Next week looms large in front of me.

Myself and The Demon are both off work for a week, where we shall be 'doing the garden'.
I'm not entirely sure what this entails, I haven't asked, but it seems to be something that older people, like Jaggy, do.

"I've got a few days off work and I'm planning on doing the garden"

I know there are some bushes that she doesn't like, and that a man with a hammer is coming to make a fence, but that's the sum total of the information that has been passed on to me.
I keep seeing her sniffing around The Shed Of Dreams, but there's no God-damn way she's getting anywhere near it, I have jurisdiction there.

I must say, I've had other holidays that I've looked forward to a bit more than this.
I will endeavour to keep you, my adoring public, abreast of my garden-related shenanigans, but I'm pretty sure you'll nod off.

Toodle pip.