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Wednesday, April 30, 2008


Ooh, the excitement is mounting, can't you feel it? No? You mean you aren't on the edge of your seat, breathless with anticipation, as a team of scientists just outside Geneva fire up the Large Hadron Collider? Have you been hiding under a rock?

For those that don't know what it is:
"The LHC is the latest and most powerful in a series of particle accelerators that, over the last 70 years, have allowed us to penetrate deeper and deeper into the heart of matter and further and further back in time. The next steps in the journey will bring new knowledge about the beginning of our Universe and how it works, as the LHC recreates, on a microscale, conditions that existed billionths of a second after the birth of our Universe."
Sounds exciting, doesn't it!
The only problem is that no one really knows what'll happen when the men in white coats press the on button next month. Some say nothing will happen, some say the fabled Higgs boson will appear, and others claim that we might tear a hole in the fabric of this dimension, letting loose the denizens of hell, opening a black hole, and causing the destruction of the entire solar system!

I hope it's live on Sky!

Listening to 'Club Foot' by Kasabian.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I Love To Hate You

No, not the Erasure song. What's the one thing about your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend/significant other, that really drives you up the wall, that really makes you livid to the point where you'd actually say "I am fucking livid!"?

For me it's The Demon's habit of obsessive tidiness. I don't just mean that she like to do a bit of household cleaning, oh no, if only, no she tidies things constantly. I can't lay something down for 5 minutes bar it's 'tidied'. If I kick my trainers off, as I like to do when lying on the couch, she looks at me like I've taken a shit on the carpet!

. . . but that is only half the problem.

When something is 'tidied' by The Demon, it has maybe a 70% chance of ever being found again. This happens regularly.

"Where's my (insert random object here)?"

"Erm . . . I put it somewhere."


"Somewhere safe."

"At the risk of repeating myself, where?"

"Erm . . . don't know, I'm watching Home & Away right now, I'll find it later."

. . . of course she never does.
This drives me fucking insane. TV remotes, bits for cameras, money, tickets, you name it, they've all found there way into her tidiness netherworld, never to return.

I look forward to finding out that I'm not alone.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Cam for me baby!

Today myself and the rest of the middle aged teenagers headed off to the glory that is Glentress Mountain Bike Centre, but today we took along a new toy, an Oregon Scientific 'Action Cam'.
Now I don't claim to be Martin Scorcese, but I gave it my best shot, and from the 43 minutes I shot, this 4 minute vid is about the only remotely salvageable part.
In this clip is my friend trying to be 17 again, and I have the camera behind him.
It's not the best, granted, and next time I'll mount it on my helmet (oo er!) which should be a bit smoother and with less vibration than on the handlebars, but for a first effort I'm reasonably happy. It's a hefty file so it may take a while to load.

The audio track is the excellent 'Hundred Mile High City' by Ocean Colour Scene.

A better quality copy can be viewed here.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Relax, I'm just being a bloke.

Bright Ambassador got me thinking about FHM's 100 Sexiest Women list, and sadly, I only know who 42 of the ladies in question actually are.

My top 5 would read like this:

5: Claire Forlani.
Sadly now married to the lump of wood that is Dougray Scott.
4: Jo Frost.
Supernanny can potty train me any time she likes!
3: Joanna Lumley.
She had it then and she still has it now.
2: Jane Seymour.
That's her daughter in the pic, who'd get £20 and told to get lost for a few hours.
1: Suzi Perry.
She knows about gadgets and digs bikes. Can't really top that.

If you're offended by the sexist nature of this post, then please don't come crying to me when there's a spider in the bath.


I suppose you could call this post a product review, but I'd prefer to call it a warning. As you may remember from an earlier post, The Demon, my 'bidey in' as us Scots would say, did the monthly big shopping all on her lonesome and one of the products she returned brandishing was this, Aquafresh Iso-Active Foaming Gel Toothpaste (fresh mint), which is quite a mouthful in more than one way.
Now I'm sure some of you will be aware of the foam gel soaps that appeard a few years ago. A tiny wee squirt on your hand soon turns in to way more lather than you originally were hoping for, well this is the same except it happens in your gob. I dispensed my usual amount on the end of the brush (an Oral-B Pulsar, the champions choice) and proceeded to brush in a vigorous manner alternating between vertical and horizontal strokes. 10 seconds later I looked like I had Rabies! Minty foam spraying from my gob like some bizarre Von Neumann machine from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!
I have to tell you, I've looked better.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Retail Therapy

It doesn't take much to put a smile on my face!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Anarchy In The UK

Well in Scotland anyway. This is the view from the Millennium Falcon TDi at Morrisons petrol station in East Kilbride at around 2:30pm today, and what you are seeing is hysteria.
A part of the Grangemouth oil refinery will be going on strike next week for 48 hours, but the media have fuelled the flames (pardon the pun) of the already perpetually scared 'man in the street' to the point where people are panic buying. I had to queue for twenty fucking minutes to get some diesel for the Falcon, and everyone around me were filling their tanks to the brim. One guy was even filling a jerry can! I have a few friends who work at the plant in question, so I spent my waiting time texting them with messages like "You are a really bad person, look what you've done, you selfish highly paid process operator!" It had the desired result.

I can't help wondering how many people have done a u-turn on their anti-war principals.

"Sure the war in Iraq is unlawful and abhorrent, that's why I protested against it, but dude, I ain't giving up my Audi TT for no fucking arabs!"

For anyone who is hard of thinking, relax. Normal service will be resumed in the morning.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Don't ask!

This one's for you, Emma!

In Bruges

Myself and The Demon went to the cinema last night, and unlike Jaggy, we had a very enjoyable cinematic experience. This was largely due to the fact that we went to see 'In Bruges', starring Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, and Ralph Feinnes. It's the story of two Irish hit men who are sent by their boss to lie low in Bruges after a botched hit in London, and I thought it was fantastic.
It's a wee bit difficult to pigeon hole this film. It's a bit dark, a bit comedic, a bit of a thriller. I really enjoyed it and I thought that the three main characters were excellent in their roles, yes, even Colin Farrell.
Ignore Jaggy, go and see it. 10/10

This week I'm liking 'Not Nineteen Forever' by The Courteeners.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

"Kiss the the floor, bitch!"

Am I the only one who finds the case of Andrew Ibrahim, the white 19 year old Islamic convert who's had all his shit blown up in controlled explosions, slightly bizarre and just a wee bit funny?
The police raided his house after "covert inquiries prompted by an intelligence tip-off."

A tip off??

His name is Andrew IBRAHIM! That's as good a reason as any for a small chat 'down the station', I reckon.
This is from the BBC News website, it's great!
Next-door-neighbour Rachel Clifford told BBC News that she met the suspect only recently, after she knocked on the door to complain about loud, Islamic-sounding music. She said the man who answered the door had first had to unlock 10 or 12 different bolts and he was wearing white Islamic dress.

"I remember feeling quite unnerved, I just wanted to say my piece and get out of there."

That's the kind of plucky, have-a-go, Dunkirk spirited, local hero that we need in the current 'War On Terror'. If Rachel Clifford had been packing a Brugger & Thomet TP-9 with integrated HK MP5 TL-99 Surefire G2 Tactical Light (standard SAS issue), under her cardigan, then we might not have had this disruption in the first place.

My Inner Child

It's impossible to watch this without smiling and singing along.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Rude Awakening

I'm a bit grumpy today. Lack of sleep generally has that effect on me you see. The lovely Grace, who lives next door, is having a new fitted kitchen installed this week. Now that's not a problem. She came and explained to us last week that there was going to be a lot of work going on and that she was sorry for the noise, but the Poles that are fitting it have started bang on 8 o'clock every day. Again, because of my shifts, there was only a 50/50 chance that I'd be at home to be annoyed by the noise, unfortunately it's the wrong 50. On back shift I get home around 11:45pm and generally head off to bed around 2ish, so being woken up at around 8am has left me in a bit of a mood.

On the plus side, Siegfried & Roy from upstairs have finally disposed of their old shitty toilet that has lain outside the building since last summer, and all it took was a "When the fuck are you going to move that toilet?"

First 5 shuffled tracks from my 80's iPod playlist while I was driving home last night:

1: 'Drowning In Berlin' - The Mobiles

2: 'Big In Japan' - Alphaville

3: 'Eigth Day' - Hazel O'Connor

4: 'The Futures So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades' - Timbuk3

5: 'I'm Falling' - Comsat Angels

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Schoolboy Error

"I'm just going to do the shopping tonight when you're at work" said The Demon.

We usually do the food shopping together and in person, not online like some lazy people I could, but won't, mention, but I'm back shift this week so can't be there.

"Ok" says I.

This was my first mistake. My second was not compiling a list of tasty foodstuffs for The Demon to purchase. As a result of my negligence we now have a fridge full of things like humus, feta cheese, and Quorn. I don't even know what Quorn is, no one does. I think it's the food equivalent of a bad cover version.
No steak, no smoked bacon, no pizzas, and she still managed to spend £140!
One is not amused.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

I need another weekend

I've had a busy weekend, which is something I usually try to avoid. I like to do as little as possible at weekends, as is my want.

Anyway, the sun was out and MotoGP qualifying had just finished so Saturday afternoon found me tearing off to Edinburgh on the bike where I ordered a new Arai 'Chaser' helmet from the Hein Gericke shop. A slice of carbon fibre loveliness. Upon returning home The Demon said "Would you like to go out for dinner, my treat?" The obvious answer was "Too fucking right I would!" so off to 'Behind The Wall' we headed where I planned to consume as much as was humanly possible. I started my free feast with Haggis Chimmis, which seemed to be haggis wrapped in a flour tortilla and then deep fried, served with salad and a garlic mayonnaise dip. Lovely. The Demon had her default starter, garlic bread with cheese. On to the main course and I plumped for something called Dixie Chicken, which was strips of chicken breast in corn crumbs with a BBQ dip, salad, and mash. It hit the spot. The Demon had penne pasta in a crème cheese sauce, which, as usual, she ate about a third of, I scoffed the rest.
By this point I just wanted to curl up somewhere and have a little nap, but oh no, the fun didn't end there.

We then headed off to see the new Kevin Spacey film '21', which I have to say I really enjoyed. It's a wee bit long at two hours and you can guess the ending after the first 30 minutes, but it's based on an interesting true story, it's filmed well, and has Kate Bosworth (above), who would get it from every possible angle, in it. Kevin Spacey, as he always does, steals the film. His acting skills are hardly challenged, it must be said, but I'm going to go on record as saying that he's probably one of the best actors of the last 15 or 20 years. 8/10

Sunday. All I really wanted to do was lie on the couch and watch the MotoGP from Estoril. Instead I was picked up at 9am by the Cram brothers, mountain bike on the roof of the car, and off to do the Carron Valley mountain bike trails. It's no Glentress, but it's 20 minutes from where I live and has a really good end to the run with high speed berms and some really good jumps. We ended up doing it three times until Young Cram crashed and mashed his elbow. It was hilarious. There's nothing funnier than other peoples misery.

I'm now completely shattered and I'm going to lie on my couch for the rest of the evening. Bliss.

This week I am mostly listening to 'Always where I need to be' by The Kooks, and 'Great DJ' by The Ting Tings.

Friday, April 11, 2008


Is it just me, or is Renee Zellweger a bit of a minger?
I've just been watching her gush forth on how great it was to work with George Clooney on their new film 'Leatherheads', and all I kept thinking was:

"You really are quite strange looking, and not in a good 'Milla Jovovich' kind of way."

She looks like she's been sitting a bit close to the fire and has just started to melt a little.
She'd still get it though!

Wednesday, April 09, 2008


For the last few days I have become completely obsessed with a website called Yamelo.
Simply put, it's a timeline of popular music. Select your county, drag the slider to your year of choice, and you're greeted with a huge selection of music videos from that year. It's more addictive than crack!

I guarantee you'll discover gems you'd forgotten all about, gems like 'Love Is A Wonderful Colour' by The Icicle Works from January 1984. You can even create your own playlists of videos, it's fucking excellent.

This is exactly the kind of stuff I want from "Web 2.0". Huge databases of just stuff, stuff that I can access 24/7. Free.

Every episode of Metal Mickey?
Got it.
All of Karel Fialka's albums?
Got it.
The pilot of 'Hardcastle and Mccormack'?
Got it.
That kids tv show on BBC1 that I can't remember the name of, that had kids in a futuristic classroom with their hair all slicked back trying to figure out a mystery?
Got it.

Are you listening Bill Gates?!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Seven Tears

Not much happening right now, so I'll leave you all with 'Seven Tears' by The Goombay Dance Band.

Sing along, y'all! (unless you are Australian)

Sunday, April 06, 2008

"God damn you all to hell!"

Charlton Heston

1924 - 2008

“It's been quite a ride. I loved every minute of it.”

Saturday, April 05, 2008

It's January 25th, in case you don't know.

It's Tartan Week over the pond in New York, a week long celebration of all things Scottish. This is a good thing. We're an extremely small nation who need all the promotion and marketing that we can get, but we do have a very strong identity and pride, or so I thought.

School kids over here are currently on holiday, or 'spring break' as they are now calling it.
Spring Break?!
This isn't 'The O.C.'
This isn't 'Dawson's Creek'.
They don't have a 'School Disco' any longer, where they'd get on their best clobber and spend the evening trying not to dance with each other. Oh no, we now have a 'Prom Night' where they wear gowns and tuxedos and arrive in stretch limos. I have no problem with American culture, but it's not MY culture. My high school used to have a Burns Supper every year, and it was great. Kilts, haggis, and poetry. I'd be amazed if high school students could even tell me when a Burns Supper was supposed to be held. I find that quite disappointing.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Righteous Kill

The two greatest Hollywood actors of the modern era don't get together very often, in fact I think it's only happened once before in the 1995 Michael Mann movie 'Heat', so it's with some anticipation that I'm looking forward to 'Righteous Kill' later on this year.
The only drawback so far seems to be that 50 Cent is also in it. Still, can't win 'em all.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

The Cult of Inchy

After my post the other day about the film 'Cellular' and the fine line between a movie being a shit film and a cult film, I thought I'd give you the top five cult dvd's that I own. Now I'm a bit of a sci-fi geek and as such my dvd collection reflects that. Anyway, in no particular order, here we go.

Films from the IKEA shelving unit.

1. 'Dark Star' - 1974
It's the story of the crew of a ship that protects mankind by blowing up unstable planets, except that one of their bombs thinks it's God. Go figure.

2. 'Real Genius' - 1985
Val Kilmer is a super-genius student duped into designing a weapon by his teacher. He and his fellow students decide to get their own back "with hilarious results!"

3 'Dune' - 1984
David Lynch's adaptation of Frank Herbert's cult novel of a future empire and the galaxy's supreme being. There are at least 3 versions of this film, and I have all of them, but the original Lynch version is by far the best.

4. 'Equilibrium' - 2002
"But it's just like The Matrix!" I hear you cry. Bollocks. This is a superb futureworld movie. Very 1984ish, but the 'Gun Kata' sequences are superb. Cult classic.

5. 'Saturn 3' - 1980
A movie about a killer robot with a hardon, and featuring the most unlikely trio of actors ever seen in a sci-fi film. Harvey Keitel, Kirk Douglas, and Farrah Fawcett.

Anybody got any others?

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

For the love of God, hang up!

I love shit films. Most of my DVD collection would be regarded by many as being shite of the highest order, but I love them. Films like Dune, Real Genius, and Legend, all of which bombed at the cinema, but in my little world have something redeeming about them. Unfortunately the film 'Cellular' won't be making it into my DVD collection despite meeting the shite criteria, and having William H. Macy, Jessica Biel, and Kim Basinger in it.
This film is beyond bad. It's just shit.
I shall explain.

Kim Basinger, who is just ridiculously sexy throughout, is kidnapped by the lump of mahogany that is Jason Statham and his merry band of thugs. Locked in an attic, she manages to make a smashed phone work, and instead of dialing 911, or the FBI, or even, I dunno, HER HUSBAND, she calls a number at random and gets through to random stranger Chris Evans of Human Torch/Fantastic 4 fame. What then takes place for the next 90 minutes or so is some of the worst acting/dialogue/plot that I have ever come across, and features product placement by Nokia and Porsche that even a blind man could spot. Young Chris, naturally, races to help poor Kim, and, as I'm sure we all would faced with a team of ruthless armed men, decides to 'have a go'.

Dear oh dear.

There's a fine line between 'shite' and 'cult'.