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Sunday, December 30, 2007

Glentress Black Route

Myself and the rest of the middle aged teenagers did the Black Route at Glentress today, a trail that's almost universally acclaimed as the best in the UK. Well, anyone who thinks so is universally wrong. It's shite. Yes it's demanding, yes it's very technical, and yes, at 29 kilometres and with an overall ascent of 870 metres, it's very long, but one thing it certainly is not is fun. Climb after climb after climb, and I'm thinking "there's gonna be some serious descents coming up" but nay! Another climb and yet more pain!

Glentress overall is a fantastic place, with well thought out trails, friendly knowledgeable staff, and all completely free (almost, apart from £2 for the car park), but today was just a case of 'I've started, so I'll finish'

Trust me, do the Red Route . . . twice.

Friday, December 28, 2007

I Am Legend

Just been to see the new Will Smith flick 'I Am Legend' and it's quite good. Not earth-shatteringly good, or career-definingly good, or even buy-it-on-DVD good, but just good old fashioned good.
Big Willie carries the film well and manages to pull off a typically strong performance as Colonel Robert Neville with not a wise crack or a USA!USA! in sight, and his portrayal of a man suffering from extreme loneliness and isolation is way above his usual slapstick and cool-comedy fare, but as it's a remake, comparisons to 'The Omega Man' are inevitable, and I think the old Charlton Heston number has a slightly better ending. Nevertheless 'I Am Legend' proves that there's a fair bit of versatility left in The Fresh Prince.

The dog, on the other hand, gave an outstanding performance worthy of an Oscar!


Thursday, December 27, 2007

I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!

Santa's been, and this year he was on the ball! I have my very own helicopter. It's only 17cm long and weighs 10 grams, but I'm already in love with my PicooZ Micro Chopper! 20 minutes of charging time and then it's up, up, and away! It's especially useful for frightening dogs, knocking over ornaments, and generally pissing girlfriends off!
The second it's airborne, I become Stringfellow Hawk and start to hear the theme tune to Airwolf!

I wish it had machine guns.

P.S. - This isn't my kitchen below.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Old Age

As most of you know, I'm a keen mountain biker, amongst other things, and due to an iffy landing at the Spooky Wood section of the Glentress 'Red Route' a couple of weeks ago, I've been a regular at my local chiropractor to get the pain in my back looked at.

"When are you next out on the bike?" he says,

"I think we're planning for this coming Sunday" says I, "providing we all feel up to it."

"You should be ok" replies the spine guru "just remember your back's not as young as it used to be!"

Talk about a kick in the bollocks!
I've just been told that I'm getting old.

I could cry.

Friday, December 14, 2007


If you want to know what he's watching, then search for 2 girls 1 cup on Google, but trust me on this, you DO NOT want to see it!

You have been warned!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Merry Fucking Christmas.

I love surprises, so you can imagine how delighted I was to discover that overnight some wankfuck, inbred, mongo, fucktard, pig-vomit, urinary-tract infection, ballsack, had decided to remove the wing mirror from my car and leave it strewn about the road 20 feet or so in front of my car. Luckily I had the foresight to tuck away £250 - £300 that I was intending to give to the wee brown babies of Burkina Faso so that they may enjoy something other than cardboard for their Christmas lunch, but sadly that cash will now have to cover the cost of a new wing mirror. £151 + VAT + painting + fitting.

In the spirit of Christmas, I wish I could give the prick who's inability to drive a car has led to this event a present. I'd like to give them bowel cancer.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Put this on the gadget show!

After a heated debate with the right honourable Mr Jaggy on the merits of electrically powered vehicles in the future, I'd like to back up my case by showing you the Quantya FMX.

It's an electric powered motocross bike with zero emissions, no noise, and no petrol. Powered by a lithium polymer battery, the FMX will ride for around 2.5 hours after a 2 hour charge with a standard 220 v mains socket, and it costs £5,100.

My argument is that yes, electrically powered vehicles probably are the future, but they'll look, drive, and feel pretty much exactly the same as the vehicles we drive at the moment. A Ford Mondeo, for example, is the shape it is not because of the type of engine it has or the fuel that it uses, but because car design has evolved over the last hundred years or so, and is the most efficient shape for a four-wheeled vehicle capable of transporting five adults.

"Form follows function"

Monday, December 10, 2007

Joe Calzaghe, the Welsh Nelson Mandela

It's not very often that I'm wrong, almost never to be honest, but I'm glad I was last night. The Great British Public have restored my faith in them by giving Joe Calzaghe the recognition that he should have received last year and voted him BBC Sports Personality 2007 after the travesty that was Zara Philips winning it in 2006.
The last time a wrong of this magnitude was righted, Nelson Mandela attended his release from jail party.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Longer Way Down

I'm sure, like me, you've enjoyed the recent Long Way Down series staring Hollywood moviestar Ewan McGregor and a fat bloke called Charley Boorman. It has been excellent. Full of 15,000 miles worth of fascinating and enlightening insights into Africa and the peoples thereof, but at the back of my mind is the fact that there is said international moviestar, megastar's best mate, two 4x4's full of equipment, a relatively bottomless pit of funding, and a team of thirty six people helping to lubricate their way across Africa's many turbulent nations. Now there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, indeed I would say that anyone who is considering an expedition of such magnitude should try and take as much help, equipment, and funding as they can muster and make the best use of it and whatever celebrity status they have to help them on their journey . . . but there is another way.

Let me introduce you to 46 year old Dutch horticulturalist Sjaak Lucassen (he's on the left, the denim-clad sepo is chat show king Jay Leno). He too decided that he'd like to see a bit more of the world so in March of 2001 he loaded up his totally standard Yamaha R1 sportsbike, and set off.

Destination: Adventure!

He returned five years, five months, and 155,000 miles later!
No back up crew, limited funds, and all he could take with him were the items that would fit in the panniers of the bike, and he still has time to get his knee down!

In the words of Aretha Franklin - R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

To give all you non-motorcyclists an idea of his achievement, it's the equivalent of putting a roof rack on the top of a Porche 911, loading up with Ginsters pasties, and driving round the planet . . . twice . . . on your own . . . and finding a petrol station every 150 miles or so.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

I'm A Celebrity! Pop A Cap in My Ass!

Yes, it's that time again. That time when some of the UK's most worthy sportsmen and women go completely unrecognised for the achievements that they have . . . achieved . . . in 2007 because the British TV audience think that it's just a fucking popularity contest.
The runners & riders are (in the order of their odds on

Lewis Hamilton (F1) 2/5
Ricky Hatton (Boxer) 9/4
Joe Calzaghe (Boxer) 11/1
Paula Radcliffe (Athletics) 28/1
Justin Rose (Golfer) 125/1
Jason Robinson (Rugby) 150/1
Christine Ohuruogu (Athletics) 150/1
Andy Murray (Tennis) 150/1
Jonny Wilkinson (Rugby) 150/1
James Toesland (Motorcycle Racer) 300/1

Now even a blind man can see that Lewis Hamilton will win this by a landslide, not because of his performance this year, which I will admit was excellent, but because 'Middle England' LIKE him. But nay, this is not a popularity contest, and the fact remains that at the end of the day, he managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory as far as the world championship is concerned. James Toesland on the other hand, IS the World Champion . . . again! As a biker myself I am naturally drawn to vote for him. I watched every race this year, rooted for him from day one of the season, and was delighted to see him lift his second World Superbike Championship trophy . . . but . . . there is one man in this group who, for me, stands head, shoulders, torso, and big bad gloves, above all the others - Joe Calzaghe.
Lets just view his stats:

Age: 35
Nationality: Welsh
Sport: Boxing

2007 highlight: Becoming undisputed world champion

A world champion for 10 years, Calzaghe has won all 44 of his professional fights since 1993, 32 by a knock out and has successfully defended his world title 21 times.

The super-middleweight saw off Peter Manfredo in April - and then reached another level to beat Denmark's Mikkel Kessler seven months later.

That victory, making him the undisputed champion, was saluted by a 50,000 crowd at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff.

I'd like to think that the British public can show their admiration and recognise true greatness when they see it, but history has shown that they prefer celebrity. Arseholes.

Dexter - TV Genius.


Absolutely, positively, THE best show on TV at the moment by a country mile, is 'Dexter', the story of a Miami forensics expert who also happens to be a serial killer in his spare time. It makes 'Heroes' and 'Lost' look like 'Murder She Wrote'! Intelligently written, with plenty of dark humour, an excellent cast including Michael C. Hall who plays the title role, and my favourite character, Sergeant Dokes, played by Erik King, all go to create a show that is totally different to anything else out there right now. Tuesdays. 10pm. FX TV. Watch it.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007


Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "She's a terrible mother! She's torturing that poor child!"


She should get a fucking medal. She's teaching the fat little bastard a very important lesson.
He now knows that he has to do something about his weight, or die one day climbing his obese, flaccid, turgid, disgusting, ass out of bed!

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people who are overweight, I have no problem with that, but there are some people for whom 'overweight' was a state that they had to battle through in order to become truly gargantuan! You know these people, they never wear a seatbelt because it won't fit round them, they always claim to be happy as they are, and yet are also always "on a diet"!!!!

I have a very simple solution for all this obesity . . . . .


Call me cold hearted, but when someone can sit down and eat a set-meal-for-4 all by themselves, it's time to get Brian Garrett in for a Change Presentation!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The Europlacer Song Contest

In the words of General Douglas MacArthur:

There is no substitute for victory

The votes were counted, opinions were considered, and in the end it was a landslide victory for me in last nights SMT Rock Off Challenge. I'm not that surprised to be honest, as my playlist was an obvious diamond right from the word go.

My colleague, Jaggy Snr, (that's him in the middle) was magnanimous in defeat, and purchased the Lion bar prize with barely a hint of his usual grumpiness.

Now, join in if you know the words:

"EASY! EASY! EASY! . . . . ." (repeat until funny)

This week, I am mostly listening to 'Saving My Face' by K T Tunstall.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Let the Rock Off begin!

My colleague, Jaggy Snr (that's him on the left), has recently challenged me to a Rock Off! We both pick, what we consider to be, a selection of the greatest songs ever (no more than one song by any given artist), and make a playlist of about 2 hours long. Ha Ha Ha! He doesn't stand a chance! . . . but wait, it's not as easy as it first would seem! On my first try, I managed to get it down to 69 songs and 4.5 hours!


Sorry Kate, but 'Wuthering Heights' had to go!

Attempt 2, and after much soul searching, I managed to get it down to 33 songs and 2 hours exactly!
Here we go:

One Great Thing - Big Country
Hangin' On The Telephone - Blondie
Alright - Cast
She Sells Sanctuary - The Cult
In Between Days - The Cure
Rebel Rebel - David Bowie
The Killing Moon - Echo & The Bunnymen
King Of The Kerb - Echobelly
Munich - Editors
Twenty Five Miles - Edwin Starr
Pump It Up - Elvis Costello & The Attractions
Our Lips Are Sealed - Fun Boy Three
Everlong - Foo Fighters
The Bottle - Gil Scott-Heron
Basket Case - Green Day
Jump Around - House Of Pain
I Want You - Inspiral Carpets
New Sensation - INXS
Sit Down - James
Club Foot - Kasabian
When You Were Young - The Killers
Our House - Madness
Blue Monday 88 - New Order
Supersonic - Oasis
Babies - Pulp
Bully Boy - Shed 7
Don't You Forget About Me - Simple Minds
This Charming Man - The Smiths
Local Boy In The Photograph - Stereophonics
Mersey Paradise - The Stone Roses
The Unforgettable Fire - U2
Lucky Man - The Verve
Werewolves Of London - Warren Xevon

The winner (me) will be decided by a vote by our work colleagues next week. I'll let you know when I win.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Crysis? What Crysis?

Forget Crysis! I'm now playing the highest rated game in history, and it's officialy awesome. In fact, it's so graphically amazing, that even the Burd was impressed. Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you 'Gears Of War'. Cool.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Is it just me, or is it warm in here?

As I sit here in my Budweiser induced hangover, I find myself perusing the world wide web, and have stumbled upon the IPCC report into climate change. For those of you who haven't heard of this Nobel prize-winning organisation I'll quote you a paragraph from their site:
"The IPCC is a scientific intergovernmental body set up by the World Meteorological Organization (WMO) and by the United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP). Its constituency is made of :

* The governments: the IPCC is open to all member countries of WMO and UNEP. Governments of participate in plenary Sessions of the IPCC where main decisions about the IPCC workprogramme are taken and reports are accepted, adopted and approved. They also participate the review of IPCC Reports.
* The scientists: hundreds of scientists all over the world contribute to the work of the IPCC as authors, contributors and reviewers.
* The people: as United Nations body, the IPCC work aims at the promotion of the United Nations human development goals"

Now I know that climate change is a thorny issue, indeed my colleague, Jaggy Snr, has pontificated at great length regarding his 'smoke & mirrors' attitude towards the subject, but this report is regarded as the definitive work on the current state and future predictions about our planet.

“It confirms the increasing pace of climate change, and the serious impacts we and the rest of the globe may face if we do not get greenhouse gas emissions under control.”
UN Climate Change Minister David Parker

Time to get the heads out of the sand.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

A Glesga Werewolf In London

This is Oscar material!

Monday, November 12, 2007


The only problem is that I don't want to get it dirty now!

I never thought I'd say this . . .

. . . but come back Vicki Butler Henderson! Top Gear is now officially shite! I've been watching Top Gear since I was a boy. From the days of William Woolard, Raymond Baxter, and Chris Goffey, right through to the questionable 'Best Factual Programme' that we have today, which must be said, has went rapidly downhill over the last two series. When the show returned to our screens in it's current hour-long format, I was delighted, even more so when Clarkson returned, but recently I feel the show has been drifting towards being more about the presenters themselves and less about the cars. I want some humour, some fact, and plenty of cool cars being blasted round a track as fast as is humanly possible. I really couldn't give a shit that you can take three old bangers and drive across Africa in them, I really don't give a monkeys about crossing the Channel in a pick-up truck, and I never ever wanted to play football in a Toyota Aygo even though I suspect that they'll wheel that old chestnut out again some time soon. The show now seems to be breaking it's own rules. For example, the Power Laps board was only ever supposed to be open to road legal cars. There have been plenty of race cars breaking the record, but if they weren't road legal, they didn't go on. Well I can't help but notice that the VW Golf W12 that Fatty tested a few weeks ago has made it onto the board, even though it's a hand-built prototype, yet the Caparo T1 on last nights show was excluded because of it being a bit low to the ground? Now the cynic inside me would say that this was because it's unlikely that anything else will ever beat it's time (8 seconds faster, I guessed about 5 seconds!) but that's just my poor attitude I guess. The BBC would never artificially alter the results of anything like that . . . would they?

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Who am I?

There has been a lot of furore over the last 24 hours regarding Glasgow's winning bid to host the 2014 Commonwealth Games, and whilst I am happy that this event is coming to Scotland, it has left me considering the question "What does being Scottish mean to me?"
This isn't an easy one to answer, but I'll try.

To me, being Scottish means being patriotic almost to the point of ridiculousness. When we Scots go on holiday or abroad, we have a deep desire to let people know where we're from. We wear Scotland football tops, or at least the strip of the Scottish league team we support, we quite often wear our kilts, and as soon as we bump into another group of our countrymen loud singing will undoubtedly ensue.

Being Scottish to me means that we are happiest when we poke fun at ourselves. No one takes the piss out of a Scotsman like a fellow Scot. It's something we do to ourselves on a daily basis, and it seems that we're almost unique in that respect. If any of my friends were nice to me all the time, that'd freak me out. From an early age, we are conditioned to mock others around us, not because we wish to drive them away, but because it includes us in the group, because we all share the mockery equally between ourselves making us stronger. Bizarrely, it's a system that seems to work.

Being Scottish means that we, as a nation, consider ourselves to be the underdog in this union that is Great Britain, yet we consider ourselves to be superior to the English, and share a common bond of underdogness (made that word up) with the Welsh and the Irish. I think this is true to a certain extent as there seems to be a bit more common sense in Scotland's legal and healthcare systems.

Me? Well I love this country, and I'm glad I'm Scottish. The landscape we live in is well known for being awesome. The standard of living in Scotland is high too, and sure we all eat shit and die early, but we're happy, right? We are a creative people, we invented pneumatic tyres, the fridge, television, the telephone, we even invented the decimal point for fuck's sake!
We have actors like Robert Carlyle, Tom Conti, Brian Cox, Ian McDiarmid, and Ewan McGregor, and we have musicians like Donovan, Stuart Adamson, The Frattelis, Simple Minds, Mark Knopfler, Annie Lennox, Primal Scream, The Proclaimers, and on and on and on . . .

Independence anyone??

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Women - Know your limits!

Take a look at the two photos here, can you tell the difference? Well one of them is 'The Old Girl' and the other is the car that ran into me on the way home! Truth be told, I felt really sorry for the wee girl that hit me. She was only 17 and was shaking like a leaf when she got out. I was expecting the worst when I stopped, as it was a fair old dunt when she hit me, but the Xantia is old school, and is SOLID! A wee mark on my towball boot seems a fair trade to her burst radiator, bent bonnet, and wrecked bumper!
That's how we roll, baby!

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Foiled again.

Well 'Woody' isn't going to be ready for Sunday. I'm still waiting on a bottom bracket, some gear cables, and a new 'top swing' front mech. All these parts should be here by Tuesday, when the bike is off to Rock and Road Cycles in Bridge Of Alan for final assembly, so it should be a baptism of fire next weekend.

Please note the alcohol wipes in this photo. I'd like to stress that in NO WAY did these wipes come from my work.

Friday, November 02, 2007

New Toys 2!

Game on!

The cranks are here, the bottom bracket is here, the headset is here, and finally the frame is here. It's a thing of beauty and every bit as fucking trick as I was hoping. 5.5" of travel on the rear should make a huge difference to my riding, as should the forks. It's a race to have it ready for Sunday though, but I'll see what I can do!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

New Toys!

That's the new forks arrived. I decided to go with Rockshox Revelations, the 426 Coil U-Turn models to be exact, because they're a bit more sturdy than the dual-air version. They are considerably lighter than the Magura Phaons that they'll be replacing. All I need now is the new frame, new crankset, new headset . . . . . . . etc etc!

Sunday, October 28, 2007


I'm feeling particularly rough today, the hangover is in full flow, I can't sleep, and the clocks either went backwards or forwards by an hour so I haven't got a fucking clue what time it is!
Jaggy's Halloween party was a good laugh last night, despite there being a second Batman there! Yes, Jimbo from work had exactly the same costume as I had on, but everyone at the party knew that there was only one Batman. It has to be said though, that Jim did fill out his suit a bit better than I did!
Jaggy, on the other hand, spent most of the evening holding onto his facial hair which was trying to make a bid for freedom!
The comedian that Jaggy had booked didn't show for some reason, in his place we had a comedy impersonator, but unfortunately he could only do one impression, that of the Japanese TV character 'Monkey'.
Obviously we won the Pub Quiz, which I had been predicting for weeks.
A good night all round.

Saturday, October 27, 2007


During my habitual morning surf of YouTube, I came across this clip of the Spooky Wood section of the Glentress Red Route. I love this part of the trail, and this clip is a perfect example of why I love mountain bikes. From the picnic table at the top to the end of the run, you barely have to pedal at all, just let Sir Isaac Newton get you to the bottom at nearly 30mph. Airtime guaranteed.

Go big or go home!

The Dark Knight

Preparations are well under way for tonight's Halloween party at Jaggy Towers. Our hosts, Jaggy, Mrs Jaggy, and young Jaggy Junior, have insisted that fancy dress is compulsory, so I have decided that I shall be Batman!

I have to say that I'm impressed that the costume has lasted this long, because I've been wearing it as often as I can! It's totally cool, and appeals tp my "inner child".

The kids next door think it's the best thing since sliced bread, and I think that my comments to them to "stay in school" have sent them on the right path.

Just doing my bit.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Bohemian Clapsody


I am The Stig!

. . . or at least I will be around Christmas next year! SONY has announced that Gran Turismo 5, due out in late 2008, will feature the Top Gear test track as one of its courses.


You just know that there's going to be a Virtual Lap leader board in the studio!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Hey Hey! We're the Monkeys!

I'm sorry, I know that someone really has died, but how cool would it be to be


Delhi's deputy mayor, SS Bajwa, died yesterday as a result of "serious head injuries" after falling from his first-floor terrace while attempting to fight off a pack of wild monkeys.

"Fighting off a pack of wild monkeys!"
How cool is that!

We all have to go sometime, and that's definitely the way I want to go!

Morewood Shova ST

Oh joy of joy! After at least a fortnight of 'humming & hawing' I've finally parted with the cash and ordered myself a new full-sus frame. I had a list of about ten frames I wanted which I whittled down to five, then three, then at last it came down to either a Tomac 'Eli' or a Morewood 'Shova' ST. Both frames are pretty much perfect for what I do, but the Morewood is just that tiny bit more trick looking, with all that CNC'd alloy that I get a hardon over. Plus, I'm probably unlikely to spot another one, which is kinda cool.

To say that I'm fucking beside myself with excitement is an understatement!

I'll put up more pics when it arrives.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Caparo T1

I reckon there's at least 5 seconds off the Top Gear lap record with this thing!

I want one!

Friday, October 19, 2007


After reading my posts over the last few weeks, you may be forgiven for thinking that I am a wee bit anti-American.

That is SO not true!

I love Jessica Biel.

She's swell.

The Church : Killin' people since the year Zero!

As I was driving home from work last night, I started listening to a fascinating discussion on BBC Radio 5Live regarding whether or not it was right to tell soldiers about to enter battle that there was no need to worry, because they'd be off to "The Afterlife" if they happened to bite a bullet. A bit of a cheek, as religion has been responsible for most wars anyway.

Now this got me thinking. I'm pretty sure that 'God', if he were to exist would probably frown on all the killing that said soldier may, or may not, have done in his career as a professional killer. In fact I think this 'God', whoever he is, was very specific about things like that. I do believe "Thou Shalt Not Kill!" was one of his catchphrases . . . . but no!

I was wrong!!

It turns out that what this 'God' fellow actually said was "Thou Shalt Not Murder!"

That makes it SO much easier to go to war!
Here are some other ways that I've come up with to say the same thing:

1. Thou Shalt Not Kill . . . unless the CIA want a regime change in the Middle East!

2. Thou Shalt Not Kill . . . unless he has more oil reserves than you!

3. Thou Shalt Not Kill . . . unless the other guy really deserved it!

Feel free to add your own!

PS - You may get a small hint from this that I don't believe in 'God', and you'd be correct. I believe in a principle known as 'Occam's Razor'.

"entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem"

This is often paraphrased as:

"All things being equal, the simplest solution tends to be the right one."

Which sounds more plausible to you?:

A. We were created in 6 days by a big white man who lives in the sky.


B. We are a biological organism, just like any other, that lives, procreates, and dies. Full stop.

Call in your answer on 01 811 8055

Man Stuff

Feast you eyes upon my new paddock stand in all of it's brushed Aluminium and CNC cut alloy glory!
Marvel at the flawless matt-black anodising.
Gasp at the sealed bearing polyurethane wheels.
It could only be the Italians.

A thing of beauty!

Robby Moto Engineering


Kev (the geek-king that I work with) wanted me to put a link to his blog on mine, so here it is, but just for the record, I share none of his extremist views.


Thursday, October 18, 2007

My Birthday

Well another year goes by, the sands of time have slipped through my fingers once more, and now I'm 37. Yes, I said 37!
I never thought I'd be this old.
I remember sitting in my Fourth Year Geography class talking to a girl called Tracy Turnbull (who I really fancied, as did almost every other guy at school!) and she had a boyfriend who had a car and was 20! I thought she was dating an old man, and now here I am, 3 years away from 40!

That really fucking hurts!

On the plus side, Carole got me an Aluminium rear paddock stand by RobbyMoto Engineering in Italy. Now that might not sound like much to you, but trust me, it's a CNC machined slice of alloy loveliness!
It should be a God damn ornament!

Monday, October 15, 2007

Thank God for the Americans!

Well I went to see the latest Hollywood blockbuster 'The Kingdom' at the weekend, and whilst I enjoyed it, I couldn't help but notice that the underlying theme of the whole movie is that all people in the middle east are incompetent murdering terrorist peasants, and Americans are better than them.

Now I'm sure that Hollywood views this as a gritty, socially relevant, drama, but my girlfriend's dad works in the middle east, and if I were him, I'd be walking around all day in my kilt wearing a t shirt that says "I AM NOT AMERICAN!"

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Norick Abe

Well it looks like there's another name to add to The Hall Of Legends, Norifumi 'Norick' Abe was killed this week. That's WAY too many heroes gone this year. No more please.

Monday, October 08, 2007

The Greatest . . .

. . . Ever Movie Car Chase.

Thanks to Top Gear magazine, I found myself hunting through my DVD collection this afternoon, and watching the 1968 cop thriller "Bullitt" starring Steve McQueen. A film that features, unquestionably, the greatest car chase ever filmed.
I think it's the greatest for a number of reasons:

1. It's Steve McQueen, for God's sake! The coolest man to ever walk this earth, and the driver for most of the filming. A true petrolhead, McQueen was considered by many in the world of motorsport, on both 2 and 4 wheels, to be extremely talented.

2. The 1968 Ford Mustang G.T.390 Fastback is one of the coolest cars ever made, and the bad guy's 1968 Dodge Charger R/T 440 Magnum ain't too shabby either.

3. Soundtrack. As the build up to the chase begins, so does the music, but when Baddie No1 nails that 375BHP throttle, the music stops, and you're left with nothing but V8's and tyre squeal. 9 minutes and 42 seconds of magic.

The film is SO highly regarded by Ford, that every single variant of it's Mustang built from 1968 onwards, has been - and still is - available in a special "Bullitt" livery of black leather interior, dark grey wheels, and 'Highland Green' paint.

Sit back, turn the volume up, and enjoy.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

There IS a God!

As I sit here, spitting bright green phlegm into a bucket, I find myself drawn into the world of internet news channels, and lo and behold, Britney has lost custody of her children!

Pause for irony . . . .

. . . carry on.

This is surely another example of the evolution of Man. In recent months, we've had Paris Hilton thrown in jail, Lindsey Lohan sacked by her employers, and now Miss Spears losing custody of her boys. All day-glo examples that we're finally growing tired of 'celebrities' having things their own way.

I've got my fingers crossed that a suicide bid, successful or otherwise, is just around the corner!

"Remember to get your whole mouth over the shotgun, Britney!"

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


Hands up if you love SKY Sports?

Monday, September 17, 2007


No, not the BBC2 TV series, I mean real ones. My ones.
It's been a tough old decade for a select group of men. Sportsmen, actors, musicians, who have, at some point, made me think "Legend".

Steve Hislop, Stuart Adamson, Richard Burns, Michael Hutchence, David Jeffries, all gone, but now I have to add Colin McRae to that list. I remember 1995 very well, the year he became world champion. I videotaped every round of the World Rally Championship that year, still have them too.

At some level, I always knew that the motorbike guys were taking their life in their hands racing at places like the Isle of Man, but even though Rallying is a dangerous motorsport, Colin McRae always seemed indestructible to me.
I really didn't need to be proved wrong.

Soraidh leat, Colin.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Is it just me . . . .

. . . or is there something wrong with this photo?

I'll give you a clue, there's a red ring around it.

Yes, it's the 'serving suggestion' part.

Now pizza has been with us since the 50's when the Americans brought it over from The States along with other homegrown treats such as noodles, Guinness, and haggis. So it strikes me as odd that a frozen pizza would require a suggestion on how to serve it. What do they think we're doing with it?

Sticking it on a roll?

Boiling it to make soup?

Freezing it and topping it with hundreds & thousands?

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Thar she blows!

This is astonishing!
In a list of 1000 reasons for crashing your car, I bet no one has tried this one!
Just watch it.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007



Most companies have a distinct lack of them, some companies have them but never use them, and some companies dangle a huge set of balls you never knew they had!

One such company is Vauxhall. To most people, Vauxhall means cheap, small, slightly crap, shit-box hatchbacks and the rep's favourite, the Vectra.

Imagine getting your girlfriend to drop you off at the local dealer in her three cylinder Corsa, and then following you home in your 540bhp VXR8!


Yes, you can stroll into your local Vauxhall dealer, chat about the merits of a diesel Astra, then calmly walk off in a 6 litre supercharged V8 monster saloon!

I know it's just an imported Holden, but it's cool all the same!

In the words of Aretha Franklin . . .


Money talks, bullshit walks!

Today I had a job interview with the mighty Walmart group at their facility in Falkirk.
Everything was going well until we got the factory tour. One of the 'colleague candidates' was a woman, one of the 'mumsy' type who did nothing but try to be chatty and friendly towards everyone. I wanted to kill her. Within the first minute of meeting her I knew she had 3 kids, her husband (Barry) was a policeman, and that her dog had to get put down on Monday. I bet Barry must be jealous of the dog!

To cut a long story short, I totally aced the interview. I know that makes me sound arrogant, but I just know I did, I'm good at that sort of shit. The chap who interviewed me was around my age, travels about the same distance to work as I do, liked live music gigs like me also, so straight away I could appear relaxed and open with him, talk freely without babbling, etc etc. I'll get a call in a couple of days telling me they want me to start.

Not going to though. The place is spotless, very hi-tech, interesting, and local, but the money is totally shite! I make more now than I would on their highest rate of pay including shift allowance. I'd need to do loads of overtime to make what I make on my basic pay, and as they say "Show me the money!"

That's that idea fecked!

Sunday, September 02, 2007

The Sum Of All Fears!

Picture the scene. I shut the front door behind me, lock it, get out my car keys, jump over the wall outside my house, and then I hear it . . . . SSKRSSSSHHH!

I look down.

The iPod that was in my pocket is on the pavement.

In a million pieces.

Option 1 - Panic.
Option 2 - Scream.
Option 3 - Gingerly pick up the pieces, phone your mate to say you won't be coming over after all, get out the tweezers and pray.
Option 4 - All of the above

I went for option 4. Luckily, thanks to my technical skills, I managed to revive the patient, just like Dr House.

(PS - That's not a pic of my actual iPod, but it gets the idea accross)

(PPS - The head is fine today, by the way. Thanks for your concern)