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Sunday, December 30, 2007

Glentress Black Route

Myself and the rest of the middle aged teenagers did the Black Route at Glentress today, a trail that's almost universally acclaimed as the best in the UK. Well, anyone who thinks so is universally wrong. It's shite. Yes it's demanding, yes it's very technical, and yes, at 29 kilometres and with an overall ascent of 870 metres, it's very long, but one thing it certainly is not is fun. Climb after climb after climb, and I'm thinking "there's gonna be some serious descents coming up" but nay! Another climb and yet more pain!

Glentress overall is a fantastic place, with well thought out trails, friendly knowledgeable staff, and all completely free (almost, apart from £2 for the car park), but today was just a case of 'I've started, so I'll finish'

Trust me, do the Red Route . . . twice.

Friday, December 28, 2007

I Am Legend

Just been to see the new Will Smith flick 'I Am Legend' and it's quite good. Not earth-shatteringly good, or career-definingly good, or even buy-it-on-DVD good, but just good old fashioned good.
Big Willie carries the film well and manages to pull off a typically strong performance as Colonel Robert Neville with not a wise crack or a USA!USA! in sight, and his portrayal of a man suffering from extreme loneliness and isolation is way above his usual slapstick and cool-comedy fare, but as it's a remake, comparisons to 'The Omega Man' are inevitable, and I think the old Charlton Heston number has a slightly better ending. Nevertheless 'I Am Legend' proves that there's a fair bit of versatility left in The Fresh Prince.

The dog, on the other hand, gave an outstanding performance worthy of an Oscar!


Thursday, December 27, 2007

I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!

Santa's been, and this year he was on the ball! I have my very own helicopter. It's only 17cm long and weighs 10 grams, but I'm already in love with my PicooZ Micro Chopper! 20 minutes of charging time and then it's up, up, and away! It's especially useful for frightening dogs, knocking over ornaments, and generally pissing girlfriends off!
The second it's airborne, I become Stringfellow Hawk and start to hear the theme tune to Airwolf!

I wish it had machine guns.

P.S. - This isn't my kitchen below.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Old Age

As most of you know, I'm a keen mountain biker, amongst other things, and due to an iffy landing at the Spooky Wood section of the Glentress 'Red Route' a couple of weeks ago, I've been a regular at my local chiropractor to get the pain in my back looked at.

"When are you next out on the bike?" he says,

"I think we're planning for this coming Sunday" says I, "providing we all feel up to it."

"You should be ok" replies the spine guru "just remember your back's not as young as it used to be!"

Talk about a kick in the bollocks!
I've just been told that I'm getting old.

I could cry.

Friday, December 14, 2007


If you want to know what he's watching, then search for 2 girls 1 cup on Google, but trust me on this, you DO NOT want to see it!

You have been warned!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Merry Fucking Christmas.

I love surprises, so you can imagine how delighted I was to discover that overnight some wankfuck, inbred, mongo, fucktard, pig-vomit, urinary-tract infection, ballsack, had decided to remove the wing mirror from my car and leave it strewn about the road 20 feet or so in front of my car. Luckily I had the foresight to tuck away £250 - £300 that I was intending to give to the wee brown babies of Burkina Faso so that they may enjoy something other than cardboard for their Christmas lunch, but sadly that cash will now have to cover the cost of a new wing mirror. £151 + VAT + painting + fitting.

In the spirit of Christmas, I wish I could give the prick who's inability to drive a car has led to this event a present. I'd like to give them bowel cancer.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Put this on the gadget show!

After a heated debate with the right honourable Mr Jaggy on the merits of electrically powered vehicles in the future, I'd like to back up my case by showing you the Quantya FMX.

It's an electric powered motocross bike with zero emissions, no noise, and no petrol. Powered by a lithium polymer battery, the FMX will ride for around 2.5 hours after a 2 hour charge with a standard 220 v mains socket, and it costs £5,100.

My argument is that yes, electrically powered vehicles probably are the future, but they'll look, drive, and feel pretty much exactly the same as the vehicles we drive at the moment. A Ford Mondeo, for example, is the shape it is not because of the type of engine it has or the fuel that it uses, but because car design has evolved over the last hundred years or so, and is the most efficient shape for a four-wheeled vehicle capable of transporting five adults.

"Form follows function"

Monday, December 10, 2007

Joe Calzaghe, the Welsh Nelson Mandela

It's not very often that I'm wrong, almost never to be honest, but I'm glad I was last night. The Great British Public have restored my faith in them by giving Joe Calzaghe the recognition that he should have received last year and voted him BBC Sports Personality 2007 after the travesty that was Zara Philips winning it in 2006.
The last time a wrong of this magnitude was righted, Nelson Mandela attended his release from jail party.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Longer Way Down

I'm sure, like me, you've enjoyed the recent Long Way Down series staring Hollywood moviestar Ewan McGregor and a fat bloke called Charley Boorman. It has been excellent. Full of 15,000 miles worth of fascinating and enlightening insights into Africa and the peoples thereof, but at the back of my mind is the fact that there is said international moviestar, megastar's best mate, two 4x4's full of equipment, a relatively bottomless pit of funding, and a team of thirty six people helping to lubricate their way across Africa's many turbulent nations. Now there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, indeed I would say that anyone who is considering an expedition of such magnitude should try and take as much help, equipment, and funding as they can muster and make the best use of it and whatever celebrity status they have to help them on their journey . . . but there is another way.

Let me introduce you to 46 year old Dutch horticulturalist Sjaak Lucassen (he's on the left, the denim-clad sepo is chat show king Jay Leno). He too decided that he'd like to see a bit more of the world so in March of 2001 he loaded up his totally standard Yamaha R1 sportsbike, and set off.

Destination: Adventure!

He returned five years, five months, and 155,000 miles later!
No back up crew, limited funds, and all he could take with him were the items that would fit in the panniers of the bike, and he still has time to get his knee down!

In the words of Aretha Franklin - R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

To give all you non-motorcyclists an idea of his achievement, it's the equivalent of putting a roof rack on the top of a Porche 911, loading up with Ginsters pasties, and driving round the planet . . . twice . . . on your own . . . and finding a petrol station every 150 miles or so.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

I'm A Celebrity! Pop A Cap in My Ass!

Yes, it's that time again. That time when some of the UK's most worthy sportsmen and women go completely unrecognised for the achievements that they have . . . achieved . . . in 2007 because the British TV audience think that it's just a fucking popularity contest.
The runners & riders are (in the order of their odds on

Lewis Hamilton (F1) 2/5
Ricky Hatton (Boxer) 9/4
Joe Calzaghe (Boxer) 11/1
Paula Radcliffe (Athletics) 28/1
Justin Rose (Golfer) 125/1
Jason Robinson (Rugby) 150/1
Christine Ohuruogu (Athletics) 150/1
Andy Murray (Tennis) 150/1
Jonny Wilkinson (Rugby) 150/1
James Toesland (Motorcycle Racer) 300/1

Now even a blind man can see that Lewis Hamilton will win this by a landslide, not because of his performance this year, which I will admit was excellent, but because 'Middle England' LIKE him. But nay, this is not a popularity contest, and the fact remains that at the end of the day, he managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory as far as the world championship is concerned. James Toesland on the other hand, IS the World Champion . . . again! As a biker myself I am naturally drawn to vote for him. I watched every race this year, rooted for him from day one of the season, and was delighted to see him lift his second World Superbike Championship trophy . . . but . . . there is one man in this group who, for me, stands head, shoulders, torso, and big bad gloves, above all the others - Joe Calzaghe.
Lets just view his stats:

Age: 35
Nationality: Welsh
Sport: Boxing

2007 highlight: Becoming undisputed world champion

A world champion for 10 years, Calzaghe has won all 44 of his professional fights since 1993, 32 by a knock out and has successfully defended his world title 21 times.

The super-middleweight saw off Peter Manfredo in April - and then reached another level to beat Denmark's Mikkel Kessler seven months later.

That victory, making him the undisputed champion, was saluted by a 50,000 crowd at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff.

I'd like to think that the British public can show their admiration and recognise true greatness when they see it, but history has shown that they prefer celebrity. Arseholes.

Dexter - TV Genius.


Absolutely, positively, THE best show on TV at the moment by a country mile, is 'Dexter', the story of a Miami forensics expert who also happens to be a serial killer in his spare time. It makes 'Heroes' and 'Lost' look like 'Murder She Wrote'! Intelligently written, with plenty of dark humour, an excellent cast including Michael C. Hall who plays the title role, and my favourite character, Sergeant Dokes, played by Erik King, all go to create a show that is totally different to anything else out there right now. Tuesdays. 10pm. FX TV. Watch it.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007


Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "She's a terrible mother! She's torturing that poor child!"


She should get a fucking medal. She's teaching the fat little bastard a very important lesson.
He now knows that he has to do something about his weight, or die one day climbing his obese, flaccid, turgid, disgusting, ass out of bed!

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people who are overweight, I have no problem with that, but there are some people for whom 'overweight' was a state that they had to battle through in order to become truly gargantuan! You know these people, they never wear a seatbelt because it won't fit round them, they always claim to be happy as they are, and yet are also always "on a diet"!!!!

I have a very simple solution for all this obesity . . . . .


Call me cold hearted, but when someone can sit down and eat a set-meal-for-4 all by themselves, it's time to get Brian Garrett in for a Change Presentation!