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Saturday, May 31, 2008

Polish My Helmet: Part 2

There's a good chance that even if you've never even so much as looked at a motorcycle, you'll know who Valentino Rossi is. He's the greatest motorcycle racer that's ever walked the face of the earth, he's the 9th highest earning athlete in the world, he has the largest fan club of ANY sportsman or woman, and as far as I'm concerned he's a god that walks amongst us. One of the good things about Rossi is that he is an open book. When things are going bad for him in racing, he keeps to himself and acts like the true professional that he is, but when things go his way, as they very often do, he turns into a teenager again and becomes a comedian.

Tomorrows race at Mugello in Italy is his home race and has one of the longest straights of any track that the MotoGP circus visits, well over 200mph on the straight. With this in mind, the clown prince of bike racing unveiled a new helmet design today, and I pissed myself laughing everytime his gurning mug appeared on the tv screen! Click here to see what I mean.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I've had all I can stands, I can't stands no more!

The cost of fuel in this country is now becoming ridiculous. I filled up yesterday, a task that I carry out three times a month just to get to work, at the exorbitant price of £1.27.9 a litre of Diesel (for those in the US I think this equates to approximately $9.58 a gallon).

This simply cannot continue. I've watched the price of a litre of diesel rise by over 10p in the last three weeks, and only the very naive would believe that this price will ever drop, it's here to stay. Yet the government continues to push for a 2p increase in fuel tax! What the fuck is going on!?

I've been with my current employer now for seven years, and I'm now having to look for a new job closer to home because I can't afford to buy a house nearer my work and I can't afford to stay here and drive the 80 miles a day that I currently commute!

I get the environment message, I get the fact that we need to be weaned off oil, I can see the big picture, but punishing the motorist in the short term is NOT the fucking answer.
I work shifts so there's no public transport available at the times I work, therefore I MUST take my car. I have a car that does over 50mpg, and yet my road tax has went up, my insurance has went up, Diesel has went up. I'm rapidly approaching the point where 1/5 of my net pay goes simply to get me to my place of work.

I try to keep politics out of my blog as I think that ALL politicians are self-obsessed, conniving, egotistical, lying bastards, but this is the final straw. Gordon Brown is fucked. Dead man walking.

Now where did I put that car that runs on water . . .

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Indiana Jones and The Milking Of The Golden Cash Cow

Myself and The Demon went to see 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull' at the weekend and I have a message for Steven Spielberg. After hearing him pontificating on tv about how this movie was "for the fans", I'm afraid I have to tell him that I'm a fan and I thought it was rubbish.
Don't get me wrong, in isolation it's an ok action/adventure movie, but after watching the original three Indiana Jones movies in the weeks up to the release of the new one, I have to say that it's easily the poorest of the four.
I think the problem lies with the fact that they have deviated from the tried and trusted path that the originals followed, a path worn by the best of the 60's and 70's adventure movies like 'Doc Savage: The Man Of Bronze'. The thing I always enjoyed about the original Indy movies was that you could almost believe the plot, you could stretch your imagination round the Ark of The Covenant, or The Holy Grail, but the new movie is just one great big fantasy CGI festival.
Gone are the days of filming in places that I have actually been to, and hello to pixel manipulation of the highest order. Not even the token gesture of including Karen Allen to reprise her role as 'Marion Ravenwood' or Ray Winstone as the pointless character 'Mac' can lift the rather slow plot, and I have to say that this is the only Indy move where I didn't want to be Indiana Jones. He looks every one of his 65 years, yet is still able to take a beating like Joe Calzaghe!

You'd really think that after 'The Phantom Menace' debacle, George Lucas might have whispered in Steven Spielberg's ear "Hey Steve, you can never go back.", but no, here we are again, flogging the dead horse, milking the cash cow, and pissing off real Indy fans.
Like the dinosaurs, some things are better left dead.


Wednesday, May 21, 2008



I can think of no other word to describe this.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

"Take her in slowly, Sulu"

Sulu is gay?!

Where the fuck did that come from??
All these years watching Star Trek and now Heroes, I didn't see that one coming!

This week I'm liking 'This Is An Emergency' by The Pigeon Detectives.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Good vs Evil

I'm definitely rocking more than I used to. I dunno if it's may age, or maybe some latent anger building up in me, but I've been kneeling at the altar of the great AC/DC all weekend, and verily, a good weekend it has surely been.
Therefore, I'd like to submit what I consider to be the greatest 4 minutes and 20 seconds of guitar based popular music that there has ever been. Enjoy.

PS - See below for blasphemy of the highest magnitude!

Saturday, May 17, 2008


Its always a bitter-sweet moment when you get a new car. The passing of an old friend and the welcoming of a new one.
So say hello to the new member of the Inch fleet. She's a year 2000 Citroen Xsara 2.0 HDi that I picked up on ebay for the princely sum of £900. She's destined to replace my old Citroen Xantia TD that you can see in the background, which has easily been the best car I've ever had. Over the last 7 years and 130,000 miles I came to love 'The Taxi' as the old girl is affectionately known as, but time moves on. Au revoir, mon ami.

Blade Runner

I was pleased to hear that South African athlete Oscar Pistorius has won his appeal to be allowed to compete against able bodied athletes for a place in the Beijing Olympics. I'm pleased because I think that if he can make the qualifying time, which he so far has been unable to do, then he should definitely be allowed to race. There are others however, who think that it's unfair to people with feet if he runs against them.
The debate seems to revolve around whether he's disabled or augmented.
If he's disabled and his carbon fibre blades are helping him to achieve speeds and times that he may well have achieved had he been born with feet, then fine, he's an elite athlete and has every right to make a bid for Olympic glory.
On the other hand, if he's augmented and his blades improve his performance and give him an advantage against able bodied runners, then no, he shouldn't go to Beijing.

Personally, it seems to me that the IAAF, the body that governs world athletics, are out to get the Blade Runner and stop him competing no matter what. I hope he gets to China and wipes the fucking floor with the competition!

Friday, May 16, 2008

Robert Dunlop

Another hero gone.
Another member of the Dunlop family no longer with us.
Sad times indeed.

Robert Dunlop
1960 - 2008

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


"Hi, I have a part to pick up. I ordered it yesterday"
"Yes sir, what's the name?"
"I am The Inchmeister."
"Here you are sir."
"Wait a moment, young metrosexual shop assistant, this thermostat was supposed to come with a gasket!"
"Sorry sir, that's all that came with the order."
"I specifically asked if it came with a gasket. Your other metrosexual shop assistant actually phoned and asked if it came with one. He said it did."
"I'm sorry sir, on my screen it says 'no gasket included'."
"Well we are at an impasse, young man."
"I'm sorry, all I can do is give you your £14.60 as a refund?"
"Please do."

Time passes.

"Hello sir, welcome to Citroen Falkirk, how can I help you?"
"I wish to purchase a thermostat AND gasket for a Xantia Turbo Diesel, please."
"Certainly sir, I have it here, and it includes the gasket. That'll be £12.99 please."

Here endeth the lesson.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I Am Livid! . . . . Again!

I have just discovered that the upcoming JJ Abrams film 'Star Trek' will not, I repeat NOT, feature the considerable acting talents of the Worlds Greatest Living Canadian, William Shatner!

I can hear you all now gasp and say "Inchy, what the fuck is the director thinking about?!"

I know!
The Shatner IS captain James Tiberius Kirk, and always will be!
Not only that, but he's been in the tv show with the greatest ever theme tune (featured above), and his 2004 album 'Has Been' is fucking magnificent. Just check out his interpretation of Pulp's 'Common People' bellow (Joe Jackson on vocals, Ben Folds on keyboard).

Come on Mr Abrams, Starfleet won't be saved without the Shatner. He boldly goes where no other 76 year old, horse breeding, poker playing, Canadian has gone before!

Iron Man

'Iron Man' was a Marvel cartoon character that went largely unnoticed in the UK. Unless you lived up here in Scotland and watched Glen Michael's Cartoon Cavalcade on a Sunday afternoon, the chances are you've never really heard of him, but clearly that's all changed now that the Hollywood blockbuster of the same name has hit our screens.
Myself and The Demon watched it last night and I have to say that I enjoyed it, but for all the wrong reasons.

The bad points:
The plot is the traditional action movie fare, the CGI is as obvious as Karl Malden's nose, the action sequences are as far fetched as The Matrix, the Stars & Stripes is everywhere, it's an Audi product placement festival, and anyone who speaks English with a foreign (i.e. not American) accent is clearly evil and must die.

The good points:
Robert Downey Jnr.
The film is entirely carried by Robert Downey Jnr, he's excellent in it. Without him, it would slide into the septic tank of action movie anonymity that films like Daredevil, Electra, and all the Batman movies up until the last one, have plopped into. I actually struggle to think of many other actors, who could have saved this film, because RDJ (it's easier to type) is actually quite a rare thing in Hollywood these days. He's cheeky but likeable. That's the best way I can describe how I think of him, and I hope that's a description that works internationally. Sure, he's damaged goods, but from doing jail time in 1999 and being fired from Ally McBeal in 2001 for substance abuse, he's made a rather spectacular comeback. It just goes to show that, unlike Rob Lowe, the "public" will forgive almost anything as long as you have a nice smile. By all means, get wasted on drugs, just don't fuck a 16 year old.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Squeeze, don't pull.

I'm developing a rather bizarre obsession with machine guns. Military spec fully automatic assault weapons to be exact, and strangely, there may be one or two others who share my love of big bad bang sticks. I'm not really sure where this desire came from or why, but it's there alright. Just looking above at the Heckler & Koch HK417 assault rifle with 12" barrel, telescopic sight, night vision adapter, folding bipod and a sound moderator (silencer), is enough to make me feel all wobbly in my gentleman's area. I find myself browsing 'Guns & Ammo' or 'World Guns' muttering to myself "If I win the Lotto, I'm having me one of those!"

Now I like to think of myself as a level headed sort of chap. I play ultra-violent video games and watch a lot of Hollywood action movies, but to date I've violently killed no one. Nada. Zilch. Zero.
I haven't really been in a fight since high school, and I think it's fair to say that I don't really have a bad bone in my body, and wish no harm to anyone. Except maybe Lily Allen, but she's just asking for it. Yet I still have this yearning for the smell of gun oil and the feel of a big weapon in my hands! (Behave)

I don't want to shoot anything alive, just some baked bean tins and Budweiser bottles.
It's not too much to ask.

. . . is it?

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Batteries Included

Whilst driving home today I heard a debate on the radio regarding potentially 50,000 Police men and women in the UK being armed with Taser guns. For anyone who's been living on a kibbutz for the last decade, a Taser gun, like the X26 mounted under the barrel of this rather sexy assault rifle, is a non-lethal weapon capable of incapacitating the most determined violent criminal by pumping 50,000 volts into them.

"But Tasers have been linked to over 70 deaths in the USA and Canada." says the bleeding-heart, limp wristed, tree hugging, human rights campaigner on the radio.

Wow, really? Over 70 deaths, you say?
Well statistically that's not bad considering that Tasers have been in service since 1993 and that that the Police in the US alone probably pop a cap in double that many people in a few days!

"If you Taser someone, you don't know if that person has a pace maker." adds wet-blanket boy.

True, but The Demon's brother is a cop, and I've seen his truncheon (oo er!). It's the tried and trusted method of incapacitation currently favoured by most UK police officers, and pace maker or not, being fucked over the head by a long steel bar is bad news no matter what physical condition you're in!

All of which is, quite frankly, preamble alongside my main point. If you're doing something that warrants a police officer deploying his Taser, then it's you're own fucking fault if your heart explodes in your chest or your brain turns to haggis.
I do believe it's MY human right not to have my shit stolen.
I do believe it's MY human right not to be assaulted.

Eat pavement, asshole!

Monday, May 05, 2008

Casa Inchy

Feeling energised by Sky Clearbrook's latest post (nice view Mr C) and with very little else happening at the moment, I thought that I'd purloin his idea and show you the view from the kitchen window of Casa Inchy.
I've labelled the main points of interest.

A - The 'Shed Of Dreams'. This is where the magic happens and where the two-wheeled beasts that take up a major part of my life (and my income) sleep. Currently smelling of chips due to the 200 litres of used cooking oil sitting in the corner.

B - The whirlygig. No garden would be complete without one. Directly behind is the brick flowerbed that The Demon's father, Big Gazza Stevens, built during a fit of DIY and Gin. Immediately behind that is the picnic table that The Demon sat down at last week to study German in the sun. The table gave way instantly, depositing The Demon on her arse. How we laughed.

C - Here you can make out two of the three waste bins we have. I haven't got a fucking clue what goes where, so it all goes in the green one.

D - The Demon's shed. This used to be mine before The Batcave was constructed. It is now full of 'nice things'.

E - The remains of a futon that was kindly donated by Jaggy. I'm holding on to the frame because it's what old men describe as "a good bit of wood".

. . . and yes, I know the grass needs cut, but she's not home yet.

Listening to 'Match Box' by The Kooks.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

не вызовите нас, мы вызовет вас

Dasvedanya, sayonara, arrivederci, ciao, au revoir, and goodbye, Ken.

Don't look so glum, we'll be sure to call you the next time we want something fucked up beyond all recognition.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!

It's not often that my wee country can hold it's head up and shout "Look at us!", but from the 6th to the 8th of June that's exactly what we'll be doing when the mountain bike World Cup comes to Fort William.
Now mountain biking is definitely 'my thing' so I'm not trying to convert anyone, but I think I'm entitled to shout about my homeland and about how good a show we can put on.
Mountain biking is big news in Scotland, mostly due to our landscape seemingly custom designed for it. Bizarrely, we also seem to have the right backing, from the right government agencies, all at the right time! (That means you, Forestry Commission!)
Glentress Forest regularly wins awards, indeed it was voted Worlds Best Trail in 2005, and (thank fuck!) it's only an hour from my home.
So if you found that video exciting, and you fancy a weekend away, come and give us a go. We're not all hoodie wearing, Buckfast swilling, knife carrying, thugs. Honest.


"Hello, you're through to ******* Bank, Shamika speaking, how may I help you?"

"Hi Shamika, I've lost my bank card." (Schoolboy error, I know!)

Ok, I just need to ask you some security questions."

"Fire away."

"Ok, what's your postcode?"

"It's ******."

"Correct. What's your date of birth?"

"It's **/**/****."

"Correct. You've passed your security check."

Well there's no way that the hardened identity thief will ever foil that fortress of security! I may as well just hide all my cash and valuables in the toe of my shoe!

Listening to 'Ride' by The Vines.