. . . is a three year old's birthday party, over and over again, for all eternity.It was The Demon's nephew's 3rd birthday yesterday, which of course meant we had to attend the ritual kids birthday party, something I've never been truly comfortable with. Let me explain:
We don't have kids.
There. I've said it. I feel so much better now.
Being at a kids birthday party when you yourself have no children is like being at a Volkswagen Beetle owners club meeting, and having no Beetle. You feel like you shouldn't be there. You feel like a charlatan. You can't contribute to, or even understand, any of the conversations. The house is full of young couples, the male half of which you've perhaps met on stag nights or nights in the pub, who have suddenly transformed from being normal blokes into some sort of bizarre 'proud young father' spouting nonsense like ". . . and if you put on Kasabian, he'll dance all day! It's SO funny!"
Even worse is when a parent who you don't know gets chatting to you in the kitchen and asks the inevitable question . . .
"So, which one is yours?"
"None of them, we don't have kids."
"Oh . . . right."
There then follows an awkward silence where you can see said parent looking at you with a combination of confusion and sympathy.
Meanwhile, there is anarchy breaking loose all over the house. There are kids in EVERY single room, there is crayon all over the table, at least two children are crying at any one time, tempers are raised at the BBQ because it won't fucking light, children are fighting over the toys, the carpet looks like the floor of a concert hall after a Motorhead gig, the gazebo in the garden has been caught by the wind and is making a bid for freedom, kids have got into the garage and are playing with power tools, somebody's child insists on showing me 'Diamondhead' from the cartoon 'Ben 10' over and over again, and some bright spark has decided to give a toy gun (with lifelike battery powered sounds) as a present!
DRRRRRR! DRRRRRR!
8 1/2 hours I was there for.
It felt like a fucking week.
