The Good Stuff

Last night saw me relinquishing yet another pint of my finest B- (see above) to the Scottish Blood Transfusion Service. I've been a blood donor since I was old enough to donate, mostly due to my father. He's blood group O-, the rare one, and would get a phone call every 12 weeks to let him know that it was time to go along and donate again. I'd go with him and sit on the end of the bed, so when I became old enough to donate myself there were no terrors or unknowns for me.

This leads me on to the whole blood/organ/bone marrow donor debate.
I definitely think that the system of organ donation in this country should switch from being an 'opt in' to an 'opt out' system. To my knowledge, in a department of 11 people, I'm the only registered organ donor, I think I'm the only regular blood donor, and I'm sure I'm the only registered bone marrow donor, yet any time I've spoken to the guys at work they all agree that:

"Once I'm dead they can have what they like"

That's all well and good, but unless you've had that discussion with your family and next of kin, or you register and carry a card, then that's just a lot of hot air.
Almost everyone in the UK applies for a passport or driving license at some point early in their lives, and all it would take is adding 1 little tick box to the form that says 'I do NOT wish my organs to be harvested in the event of my death', and overnight life for the people in this country awaiting organ transplants would change for the better.

As for the blood and bone marrow donation, well you can't force people to donate, and I wouldn't want to, but I'm pretty sure each and every one of us knows someone who has needed a blood transfusion at some point in the past, a transfusion that most probably saved their lives.
Enough said.


Oh yeah, as for all you Jehovah's Witnesses, would you please get out of the gene pool, you're just spoiling the fun for all the rest of us.

When Mountain Bikes Attack!

As most of you regular readers will know, myself and my friends are keen mountain bikers, but today our luck caught up with us. Now I'm not saying that we're the best in the world, but we're not slow and we're not afraid of big air, but when things go wrong at these velocities they tend to go VERY wrong.

Picture the scene.
Myself and the rest of The Restless Natives are waiting on the last member of our merry troupe to finish his run. Suddenly, Cletus the slack-jawed yokel and International Man Of Mystery bursts into view, travelling pretty fast.
Cue much shouting of encouragement and general peer pressure from friends.
Cletus hits the last, and very large, jump with total commitment. Cletus then finds himself with plenty of hangtime as he's approximately 8 feet in the air. Gravity finally asserts it's authority and pulls. The bike touches down, it goes one way, Cletus goes the other way.

Thump!

Silence.

When we got to him, Cletus was winded and lying in a pretzel like configuration. After some anxious moments, Cletus raises himself to a seating position, whereupon it's clear to all concerned that the Clavicle, or collar bone, has quite clearly broken.

Ouch.

I suppose all sport has it's risks, but had Cletus not had on a full-face helmet, he would surely be looking at adding a concussion, or possibly even a fractured skull to his list of injuries.
Suffice to say I paid attention and I'll be ordering one myself as soon as I'm paid.

Going The Extra Mile

Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm reassured that all humans aren't thick as the proverbial plank, by being on the receiving end of high levels of service from staff in shops and the suchlike.

One such staff member is Andrew, owner of Run Ecosse, a fittness and running shop 2 minutes up the road from me here in Olde Falkirk Towne. In the past he's actually recommended to me to purchase a particular product at another shop because it's cheaper there. Now that's treating the customer like an equal, and it's also the reason that I'll always go back to his shop whenever I need something he can supply.
Unfortunately, due to something called 'karma', for every Andrew, there must also be a Stacy.

Please note the Phillips CR2032 Lithium battery in the picture above, convieniently placed near a UK pound coin for an easy size comparison.
I'll just run you through the purchase shenanigans:

Stacey stands at the cash register with a blank expression that hints at either complete apathy or complete incompetence, either or both, who knows.

Stacey - "Just the battery?"
Han Solo - "Yes thanks"
Stacey - "Would you like to take out a Homebase credit card for this purchase?"
Han - "Whit?"
Stacey - "Would you like . . . etc"
Han - "No, it's only £1.99!"
Stacey - "Ok, that'll be £1.99 please"
Money changes hands.
Stacey - "Would you like a bag for that?"
Han - Without looking up "Ha Ha!"
Looks up.
Stacey - "Would you like a bag for that?"
Han - Tries to raise a smile "No, I think I'll be able to manage it just as it is, ha ha!"
Stacey - ".........."
Fin

Clearly Stacey has a bright future in a call centre somewhere, and if Andrew carries on like that he'll go out of business!

A Welcome Return

I think that Richard Ashcroft is a god who walks amongst us. Plain and simple.
But it has to be said that as a band, The Verve have been a bit hit or miss. Sure, 'Urban Hymns' is an absolute classic, but 'A Storm In Heaven' from '93 and 'A Northern Soul' from '95 both fell a bit wide of the the mark for me, but I CANNOT stop listening to their new single 'Love Is Noise'. It's brilliant. Absolutely brilliant, and just my kind of thing. A confident slice of plain old rock if ever I heard it, and I really hope that their new album 'Forth' is a return to something special.

Turn it up.

Really loud.

Peter Stringfellow

I'm on a continuing quest to recapture my youth, therefore, I've been busy again.

The Fucking F Word

I love and hate 'The F Word' in equal measure. Sure it's interesting seeing how people in far flung places like Iceland catch and cook Puffin, but Gordon Ramsey is just a complete arsehole. He's one of the few people that I genuinely think I'd like to uppercut, you know, a real hay-maker, right from the ankles. When I saw him stroll onto the pitch of Ibrox Park in tonight's show and mutter "It's good to be home" I had to burst out laughing. He goes on and on about his 'career' with Glasgow Rangers Football Club at almost any opportunity, but just to be clear, Gordy:

You played 1 game for the reserve team. Get over it.

As for the "paying" clientèle, well one posh bint actually described her dessert as:

"It's like a little explosion of happiness in your mouth"

I mean really, where the fuck do they get these people from?

"Yeah, I found it to be just a little bit tart"

Can someone please explain what the hell that means?

The Dark Knight

I really enjoyed Chris Nolan's 'Batman Begins' so it was with some excitement that The Demon and I headed off to the IMAX cinema at the Glasgow Science Centre last night to catch his sequel 'The Dark Knight', which, just so we're clear, will definitely be getting a 10/10 at the end of this post.

Trust me, you can believe the hype.

The Appetisers

Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman reprise their roles as 'Alfred' the butler and 'Lucius Fox', but in reality they just walk around being Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman. This is no bad thing as I'm sure Michael Caine would struggle with anything other than a chirpy cockney accent, and if Morgan Freeman told me the Earth was flat, I'd believe him.

The Side Salad

Maggie Gyllenhaal takes over the role of 'Rachael Dawes' from Katie Cruise, nee Holmes, who I presume is off being one half of 'KC and the Sunshine Man'. She (Gyllenhaal) plays the part convincingly enough, but the problem I had with her is that, in all honesty, she's a bit of a minger. Every time she's on screen with Christian Bale I kept thinking "There's no way he's shagging you, luv. Not unless you get him drunk".
Aaron Eckhart's 'Harvey Dent', on the other hand, is integral to the plot of the film, and it's a damn fine job he does too. This is surely going to land him many more roles.

The Main Course

Anyway, enough of all this preamble, it's time to ask:

The Heath Ledger Question?

Is his portrayal of The Joker worthy of an Oscar?

No. Niet. Nein. Non.

Of course it isn't. It was never going to be. He comes across as a menacing, deranged, crazy psychopath alright, but after all the hype he's a bit of a one trick pony, a bit one dimensional.
Having said that, he is impressive, but to be honest all four main actors do a tremendous job here. It's a real team effort. Aaron Eckhart, Gary Oldman, Heath Ledger, and of course Christian Bale.

He's now the definitive Batman, and has surely done enough to make the character his own. He's also now definitely Hollywood A-list, and deservedly so. Some of his previous films have been excellent, some not so, but his performance in them has never been in question.
You only have to look at 'American Psycho' (2000), the excellent 'The Machinist' (2004), and 'Harsh Times' (2005) to see three films that are entirely carried on his shoulders alone.
Trust me, hunt these films out.

As for 'The Dark Knight' itself, well without giving the story away, it is absolutely outstanding, and ticks all my boxes. It has all the adrenaline junkie action you could want, but don't think you can simply take your brain out of gear and let it carry you along on a raft of CGI nonsense, oh no, there's far more to it than that. There's some serious gravitas here. This is a rare summer blockbuster that's as heavy on quality of writing as it is quantity of action. It's an extremely well thought out thriller, and delivers on so many levels. I'm struggling to think of the last time I enjoyed a film as much as this one.

Comparing 'Batman Begins' to 'The Dark Knight' is like comparing 'The Hobbit' to 'The Lord Of The Rings'. Chris Nolan surpasses his original by two or three light years, and it's he who should be getting the Oscar nomination. He's proved that with the right team and effort, you can actually take an action film seriously.

One more for the trilogy box set please!

10/10

PS - I want a Batmobile so much it hurts.

There But For The Grace Of God Go I

I read today that former tv presenter John Leslie won't be charged with rape following an allegation made by a woman a couple of months ago. Now I'm no John Leslie fan, in fact I have no feelings towards Mr Leslie one way or another, but a tiny wee part of me couldn't help feeling a bit sorry for him.

An allegation of rape is every guys nightmare.

I had a lot of fun in my twenties with the opposite sex, and on more than one occasion woke up not only in a room I didn't recognise, but clearly having had unprotected sex with a woman I didn't recognize and completely unable to remember the bedroom gymnastics at all!

Given that I'm a man, and game for anything, all I felt was disappointed at my drink-fueled amnesia, but who's to say anyone else of either gender waking up in a similar situation would feel like I did? An allegation of rape, after admitting having no recollection of the act itself, would be virtually impossible to refute. 'My word against theirs' is hardly a viable defence if you're unsure of yourself.

John Leslie clearly likes sex. Some would say he's a sex addict, much like Michael Douglas claimed to be, but what goes on behind closed consenting doors is fine by me, I'm no judge.

He may well be a rapist, how the fuck would I know? That's what courts are for, but I think that it's about time that the law in this country was changed to protect the anonymity of both parties, not just the complainant. The waters seem a bit muddy to me.

Top Tottie Tuesday: July '08

Welcome to the inaugural Top Tottie Tuesday. This may, or most probably may not, become a regular feature in my cyber life, who knows.

Today's TT is Melissa Auf Der Maur. Canadian by birth, Melissa played bass in the band 'Hole' and also in 'The Smashing Pumpkins' and is now a successful artist in her own right, and, as you can clearly see, is what young people would call 'a hottie'. For some reason chicks who play bass do it for me.

Welcome onboard the Falcon, Melissa.

My Life In Movies

Ok, bear with me here.
Rol has asked me to lay down my life in movies. The concept is straight forward enough, take what you consider to be your favourite film from each year of your life and compile the list. The only problem with this particular meme is that it requires a fair bit of research on your part. Wikipedia, you are my God.

In the interests of saving time (both yours and mine), I'll just list the films themselves without an explanation as to why I picked it.

Here goes:

1970 - Kelly's Heroes
What's not to like?

1971 - THX 1138
Groundbreaking.

1972 - Silent Running
As relevant now as it was then.

1973 - Dark Star
Doesn't get much stranger than this.

1974 - The Towering Inferno
Paul Newman AND Steve McQueen!

1975 - Doc Savage: The Man Of Bronze
The template for Indiana Jones.

1976 - Logan's Run
"Carousel! Carousel!"

1977 - Star Wars
"Punch It Chewie!"

1978 - The Wild Geese
Burton, Moore, Harris, Granger.

1979 - Alien
The best sci-fi movie ever made.

1980 - The Blues Brothers
This film is a member of the comedy elite.

1981 - An American Werewolf In London
"Don't stray off the path, lads!"

1982 - Tron
"Put him on the game grid"

1983 - Risky Business
Rebecca De Mornay and a Porsche 928. All is good in the world.

1984 - The Killing Fields
As moving as war movies get.

1985 - The Breakfast Club
Great cast, great writing, great music. The best teen flick.

1986 - Aliens
Vietnam in space. "I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."

1987 - Full Metal Jacket
Arguably the best war movie ever made.

1988 - Stormy Monday
Sting, Tommy lee Jones, and James Cosmo . . . in Newcastle.

1989 - Dead Poets Society
'Coming of age' films rarely interest me, but this one does.

1990 - Goodfellas
No question, the ultimate gangster flick.

1991 - New Jack City
Black is back.

1992 - Unforgiven
Clint's finest hour.

1993 - Dazed And Confused
An amazing ensemble cast, outstanding music, and lots of drugs. Perfection.

1994 - Shallow Grave
THE BEST surprise ending.

1995 - Powder
Really hard to describe this film, just watch it.

1996 - From Dusk Till Dawn
Put your brain in neutral, have a beer & a pizza, and enjoy.

1997 - Donnie Brasco
Pacino & Depp raise the bar.

1998 - The Acid House
Read the book first, it's amazing (it helps to be Scottish though).

1999 - 200 Cigarettes
A little known diamond.

2000 - Love, Honour and Obey
"Fix bayonets!"

2001 - Shrek
As good as animation gets.

2002 - Narc
Ray Liotta as you've never seen him before.

2003 - 21 Grams
It's got Sean Penn in it!

2004 - The Butterfly Effect
Not exactly Oscar material, but fresh and original.

2005 - The Constant Gardener
Ralph Fiennes acts his tits off.

2006 - The Good Shepherd
More Timothy Hutton please.

2007 - No Country For Old Men
Deserved the Oscar.

Some of these films were selected because they were very good, others because they were very bad, and some because they just make me feel good. Some are predictable pulp fiction, and others may just be off the beaten track for some people, but if I had to pick one film from all of those above to have with me on my desert island it'd be 1993's 'Dazed And Confused', I never tire of it.

I won't tag anyone else to do this meme as it's taken me two and a half hours! I suffer for my art.

miTunes

I'm kinda bored today and there's not a lot happening, so I thought I'd enrich everyone's lives by adding a playlist of some of my favourite songs to my blog.

I have my pc hooked up through a hifi system, so it all sounds pretty damn good to my ears, but please be sure to to tell me if it annoys the tits off you and I'll remove it.

In the meantime, here's a photo of a cat in a hat.

N-Joi

Bad MoFo

The bad guy.
The most coveted role in any movie.
Everyone wants to play him. He gets all the best action, the hottest chicks, and he definitely gets the coolest lines.
As a follow on from my last post regarding Heath Ledger's impending Joker, I thought I'd list some of my favourite bad guys from over the years.

Here we go (in no particular order):

Dr Christian Szell (Lawrence Olivier) - 'Marathon Man' (1976)

I remember the first time I watched this film. I was a kid who already had a healthy phobia about the dentist. This really didn't help matters. It's still a real surprise to see old Larry as a bad guy.

John Doe (Kevin Spacey) - 'Se7en' (1995)

The lack of any anger or aggression that Kevin Spacey puts into the character of 'John Doe' just makes him all the more chilling. Still a fantastic end to a film.

Raven Shaddock (Willem Dafoe) - 'Streets Of Fire' (1984)

I love this film. It was pulp fiction before anybody thought about making 'Pulp Fiction', and has an awesome soundtrack.

Norman Stanfield (Gary Oldman) - 'Leon' (1994)

Gary Oldman is one of my favourite actors. He can play good guys, but his bad guys, of which there have been many, are superb. This is his best though, as the dirty cop in the film that introduced the world to Natalie Portman, who would one day go on to help bring balance to The Force.

Tommy DeVito (Joe Pesci) - 'Goodfellas' (1990)

Without question the finest gangster movie of all time. Joe Pesci is truly scary in this film, and it's still Ray Liotta's finest hour, with the possible exception of 'Narc'.

Come on, who have I missed?

"...and the Oscar goes to..."

As I'm sure most of you will be aware, the next instalment of the Batman franchise is released soon. I really enjoyed director Chris Nolan's previous effort 'Batman Begins', so it's with some expectation that I'm looking forward to 'The Dark Knight'.
The only problem I have is with the actor who plays the Joker, Heath Ledger.
Now I'm sure that he was a very nice man, and I'm sure that he'll probably have done a decent job of playing the twisted and evil Joker, but it's time for a wee reality check:

"It's the best performance of a villain I have seen. My feeling is that he will get a nomination, I would be very surprised if he didn't get the Oscar - he has my vote anyway," - Sir Michael Caine

"I haven't seen a villain like this, or a bad guy like this, since Dennis Hopper played Frank Booth in Blue Velvet - this out-scares Hannibal Lecter." - Gary Oldman

"I needed a phenomenal actor, but he also had to be someone unafraid of taking on such an iconic role. Heath created something entirely original. It's stunning, it's captivating. It's going to blow people away." - Chris Nolan (Director)

Now I'm not for a second suggesting that Heath Ledger's performance ISN'T everything above, but now that everyone has come out and built it up, it bloody better be!
The best I can say is that he's been pretty good, if not outstanding, in everything I've seen him in, which isn't much to be honest. In fact, I think I've only seen him in '10 Things I Hate About You' and 'A Knights Tale'. Cynically, I'm sure he wouldn't be receiving such universal acclaim if he were still with us.

As anyone who has read this blog in the past will know, I'm a HUGE fan of the cinema and tend to see films as soon as they are released, so with that in mind, should I be wrong and find that his performance does indeed 'blow me away', I'll happily watch and review 'Brokeback Mountain' and pose in a homo-erotic photograph which I'll post on here, but I'm sure my ass is safe.

PS - Just for the record, the best joker, by a huge margin, was Cesar Romero in the original Batman TV series.

This week I'm listening to 'Geraldine' by Glasvegas, and liking it because I can sing along correctly.

Mock The Week

Thank fuck.

Thank fuck that one of the few truly great tv shows made by ANY British television network is back for another series on our screens. It's been a long 6 months or so without my regular Thursday night fix of Dara and the boys, and last nights show hit the ground running with Russell Howard and the invincible Frankie Boyle being stand outs for me.

The sooner that tv executives realise that THIS is entertainment, not shite like Big Brother or Lily Allen And Friends, the better our world will become.

Fact.

Cassandra's Dream

Here's what Wikipedia has to say about Woody Allen:

Woody Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg) is an American film director, actor, writer, jazz musician, comedian and playwright. Allen's distinctive films, which run the gamut from intense dramas to screwball sex comedies, have made him one of the most respected living American directors.

Not in my house he ain't.
Whilst the above may all be true, after viewing his latest offering, Cassandra's Dream, perhaps he should now focus on playing the clarinet, and leave the film writing and directing to those who are actually any good at it.
The plot concerns two brothers, Ian (Ewan McGregor) and Terry (Colin Farrell) both of whom have their own dire money worries. They decide to seek help from rich Uncle Howard (Tom Wilkinson) who agrees to bail them out, but in return they have to kill someone. The rest of the film then tracks the two brothers differing reactions to what they have become. Ian is content with his crime, but Terry is plagued by inner demons. The film also follows Ian's relationship with his new and exotic girlfriend, a relationship that contributes not one iota to the story or plot!

It's shite. No point beating around the bush, it's just shite. This film sucks more than a $10 hooker. It's slower than a week in jail and seems to take forever to get moving, but by far and away the worst perpetrator in this cinematic crime is Ewan McGregor. I've now come to the conclusion that he's just not a very good actor.
I like the guy, but he was acted off the screen by Colin Farrell, and that's saying something! Perhaps he might want to stick to riding his motorbike around the planet..
The film eventually lurches from one tried & trusted cinema cliche to the next and ends up at it's entirely predictable ending. Thank God/Allah/Buddah/The Force.

I should have stayed at home and watched a CSI.

3/10

"You can't park that there!"

As one does during days off, I often stumble upon the most bizarre of online flotsam & jetsam.
And I quote:

Chieftain Mk10 Main Battle Tank

Mark 10. Good working order. Recent renovations include new (reconditioned) engine and gearbox, replacement of final drive gearboxes and sprockets; new (new) GUI (donkey engine and generator) with fully functional hydraulic start; replacement of near-side wheel station including hubs, swing arms etc. Tracks in good condition. Turret electrics not used so working order not known but advised should be OK. Recently repainted so looking good and ready to go. Reason for sale: Moving to Russian military vehicles.

£14,000 + VAT ono.

If my disposable income allowed it, my house would possibly be the safest in Britain!

Teach Me The Ways Of The Force

Learner drivers.
We've probably all been one at some point in our lives. I've been one three times, once in a car, once in a truck, and once on a motorbike. I still sympathise with these poor people as I clearly remember the stress that I went through whilst I was learning, but here's a small tip for any driving instructors out there. If you take your pupil down a carriageway at 30mph that is clearly signposted as a 50mph zone, then you're just teaching them how to fail a driving test. Also, as a matter of professional courtesy, I'd really try and resist the temptation to roll the window down and have a cigarette whilst trying to teach someone how to drive, it's probably breaking some kind of law, but if you really have to, please don't flick your cigarette butt in the face of the motorcyclist alongside you. Yes, I have a helmet on, but no, I can't hear you apologise, I'm too busy imagining disembowelling you with a broken beer bottle dipped in salt. Cunt.

The Mist

Stephen King.
Love him or loathe him, you can't argue that he's one of the greatest authors of modern times.
The latest King novella to hit the big screen is 'The Mist', which featured in the 1980 short story collection 'Dark Forces', and it's an absolute cracker.
Here's the basic outline. A strange mist descends on a small lakeside town. Within the mist all manner of bizarre and lethal creatures live and they all would like a piece of the survivors who are holed up in the town's supermarket.
It's got everything you could ask for, a great cast of relatively unknown actors, excellent plot development, and a cracking good ending. Sure it has tons of CGI creatures, but they are almost incidental to the main story, the gradual psychological breakdown of the survivors in the store.

But . . .

It's bloody bleak.
Oh, it's dark alright. It exposes the horror that is humanity for all to see.
If you are suffering from post natal depression, if you have recently started self-harming, or if you are Chris Martin from Coldplay, DO NOT see this movie, it might just send you over the edge.

Me? I bloody loved it!
9/10

Totally . . .

. . . deserved.

Charidee: Part 3

As a follow on to a post I made a few weeks ago regarding Adrian Sudbury and his fight to educate the world about bone marrow donation, here's another link to the petition to the UK government to make bone marrow donation education compulsory for schools, colleges, and places of higher learning.

Come on people, all you have to do is give a shit*.

*Not literally.

Hancock

The Demon hated it, but I enjoyed the new Will Smith flick 'Hancock' last night.

The trailer had all the action, slap-stick, and comedy that I've come to expect from Hollywood's summer blockbuster movies, but it's not as simple as that. The trouble is that 'Hancock' doesn't really know what it's trying to be. It's not entirely an action film, it's not entirely a drama, and it's not entirely a comedy, it's a strange combination of all three. I have to admit that I'm still unsure whether that aspect of the movie really worked, but although it's unlikely to trouble anyone come the Oscars I enjoyed it nevertheless.

It's a good cast mix. I'll happily watch anything with uber babe Charlize Theron in it, and it's good to see more of Jason Bateman, but Will Smith just can't do any wrong as far as I'm concerned. He's great as the surly drunk super hero. In fact I can't really think of a movie in which Big Willie has disappointed. Sure, 'I, Robot' and 'Independence Day' were pretty ropey at best, and 'I Am Legend' was just rubbish, but it's never been Mr Smith's performance that let them down, just a lack of a decent adaptation of the original ideas. He's one of my favourite actors and I look forward to him getting some more parts that stretch his acting abilities as films like 'The Pursuit Of Happyness' and 'Ali' show that he's more than capable.

Overall I thought that the concept of a grumpy superhero that no one likes was original and well thought out, and it's refreshing to see a superhero movie that doesn't rely solely on the disease that is CGI to carry it, but I'd like to see the 30 minutes that were reputedly edited out of the second half of the film. They may tie up some of the loose ends that were left dangling, but no doubt the inevitable sequel will clear those up.

7.5/10

Anarchy In The UK: 2

I really don't know what Britain is coming to.
I've just been browsing the BBC news 24 website and I'm genuinely shocked and angered at the level of violent crime in this country. It's staggering.

Shakilus Townsend, 16, stabbed and murdered in broad daylight.
Ben Kinsella, 16, stabbed and murdered in the street.
Hamouda Bessaad, 34, stabbed and murdered in Old Kent Road, London.
Dee Willis, 28, stabbed and murdered in Peckham, London.
And the most horrific:
Laurent Bonomo & Gabriel Ferez, both 23, stabbed, in their own home, over 240 times then set on fire.

Those are all just from London and from the last week.

Where do I begin?

I suppose I should feel lucky. I live in a nice town, with a good record against violent crime. The local beat constable is The Demon's brother, so is often to be seen at my home, thereby (possibly) deterring a criminal or two. If only those same criminal masterminds knew that he usually drops in to take a shit in my toilet because the one in his station has "the wrong kind of paper"!

But I don't feel lucky. I feel fucking blind rage that the government in this country has allowed our society to degenerate to the stage where jail is no longer a deterrent, where offenders carrying out community service cannot be singled out by bright orange jumpsuits for fear of psychologically damaging them, and where a prison inmate can successfully take the Government to court because he has to slop out his own shit from his cell.

ITS. ALL. FUCKING. WRONG.

No one should be afraid to walk down their own street, and I apologise for sounding like my dad, but things were different when I were a lad. The thought of punishment for doing something wrong, be it by the police or my dad, scared the shit out of me, still does, but today couldn't be further from that 1970's truth.

Jail is no longer a deterrent, it's an inconvenience.
Community service has never been a deterrent, it's just a chore.
Fines aren't a deterrent if you don't have the money to pay in the first place.

I don't know the answer, but maybe Jaggy wasn't far off the mark with Jaggy Island.
It's not a deterrent if it's easy.

"But what can I do, I'm just an ordinary member of the community?" I hear you say dear reader.

Well, here's what I'm going to do. Come the general election in 18 months or so, my vote will be based solely on antisocial behaviour and what the main parties propose to do about it.
Forget the economy, that's the Bank of England's job.
Forget Afghanistan, we're already there, have to make the best of a bad job.
Forget the environment, that's a job for business, industry, and God.
Forget the NHS, it's terminally ill itself.
Make your voice heard. Make this the number 1 priority. Let these lying fuckers that play Monopoly with us know that an ASBO or an electronic tag doesn't constitute punishment.

Here endeth the sermon.

P.S. - I'm now on holiday for a week. Sweet.
P.P.S. - This week I'm liking 'Time To Pretend' by MGMT.

The Garden

Next week looms large in front of me.

Myself and The Demon are both off work for a week, where we shall be 'doing the garden'.
I'm not entirely sure what this entails, I haven't asked, but it seems to be something that older people, like Jaggy, do.

"I've got a few days off work and I'm planning on doing the garden"

I know there are some bushes that she doesn't like, and that a man with a hammer is coming to make a fence, but that's the sum total of the information that has been passed on to me.
I keep seeing her sniffing around The Shed Of Dreams, but there's no God-damn way she's getting anywhere near it, I have jurisdiction there.

I must say, I've had other holidays that I've looked forward to a bit more than this.
I will endeavour to keep you, my adoring public, abreast of my garden-related shenanigans, but I'm pretty sure you'll nod off.

Toodle pip.

Andymonium

3 hours and 57 minutes.

That's how long I've been rooted to the couch watching Andy Murray's comeback against Richard Gasquet. I ran a bath around half past 8, it's now 10pm - still not been in it.

A clearly emotional Murray described his win as "the best moment he's ever had on a tennis court" and it's certainly the most entertaining match I've watched in a long time.

Get in!

Hell . . .

. . . is a three year old's birthday party, over and over again, for all eternity.

It was The Demon's nephew's 3rd birthday yesterday, which of course meant we had to attend the ritual kids birthday party, something I've never been truly comfortable with. Let me explain:

We don't have kids.

There. I've said it. I feel so much better now.
Being at a kids birthday party when you yourself have no children is like being at a Volkswagen Beetle owners club meeting, and having no Beetle. You feel like you shouldn't be there. You feel like a charlatan. You can't contribute to, or even understand, any of the conversations. The house is full of young couples, the male half of which you've perhaps met on stag nights or nights in the pub, who have suddenly transformed from being normal blokes into some sort of bizarre 'proud young father' spouting nonsense like ". . . and if you put on Kasabian, he'll dance all day! It's SO funny!"

Even worse is when a parent who you don't know gets chatting to you in the kitchen and asks the inevitable question . . .

"So, which one is yours?"

"None of them, we don't have kids."

"Oh . . . right."

There then follows an awkward silence where you can see said parent looking at you with a combination of confusion and sympathy.

Meanwhile, there is anarchy breaking loose all over the house. There are kids in EVERY single room, there is crayon all over the table, at least two children are crying at any one time, tempers are raised at the BBQ because it won't fucking light, children are fighting over the toys, the carpet looks like the floor of a concert hall after a Motorhead gig, the gazebo in the garden has been caught by the wind and is making a bid for freedom, kids have got into the garage and are playing with power tools, somebody's child insists on showing me 'Diamondhead' from the cartoon 'Ben 10' over and over again, and some bright spark has decided to give a toy gun (with lifelike battery powered sounds) as a present!

DRRRRRR! DRRRRRR!

8 1/2 hours I was there for.
It felt like a fucking week.

Wanted

Hmmmm . . .

Much has been made of young James McAvoy being cast in the action hero role, and having now seen 'Wanted' I'd have to say he acts the part very well. In fact, he seems to be the only person acting at all. Morgan Freeman walks around looking important and being Morgan Freeman, and Angelina Jolie looks like she's recently graduated top of her class at The Roger Moore School For Minimalist Actors. Seriously, all she does throughout the entire film is shoot guns, pout quite a bit, and raise the odd eyebrow, allbeit in an incredibly sexy, lets-adopt-more-brown-babies, sort of way. Having said all that, I loved it. It's exciting, violent, sexy, with plenty of high octane action.

There's just one problem. Well two actually. 'The Matrix' and 'Equilibrium'.
Basically if these two films had a quick shag at a party one night, 9 months later 'Wanted' would have popped out. All the way through the film I kept thinking 'This is a bit Matrixy' or 'That's the Gun Katta from Equilibrium'. No bad thing I suppose, imitation is the sincerest . . . yada yada yada.

In a nutshell then.
'Wanted'. You'll love it, but as you leave your girlfriend/wife will tell you that she doesn't know what all the fuss is about over Angelina Jolie. She's not THAT attractive. At which point you'll lie, and say "Well she does nothing for me".
Have a pizza and a few beers before you go to see it, you won't have to concentrate too much.

8/10

PS - You get to see her arse.

Ever The Optimist

Good news folks. A new Gary Glitter album is imminent.

Oh joy of joys.

Apparently, the 63 year old 'glam rocker' has ". . . an incomplete album that I want to finish. I have been thinking about the plan during my days in jail."

Surely he should have been thinking 'who the fuck is going to buy my album?'.
Can you see Virgin (no pun intended, honest!) stocking a new Gary Glitter album on their shelves?
Do you think it'll feature in iTunes 'most downloaded' list?

That's optimism for you. Hounded out of his homeland and convicted of child sex offences in Vietnam, yet all that Uncle Gary can think about is his fans. That's the spirit.

"Do ya wanna be in my gang?"

Do I fuck.

Raping And Pillaging

This is Kid Rock.
You may not be aware of his work, but he was briefly married to Pamela Anderson and he's the white guy who 'raps' over rock tracks, and I'd like to thank him for abusing a couple of my favourite songs with his new track 'All Summer Long'.

Not only does he have the cheek to rip huge chunks out of 'Sweet Home Alabama' by Lynyrd Skynyrd, but he's pulled the whole tune to his song from the greatest song of all time (in my opinion) 'Werewolves Of London' by the late, great, Warren Zevon!

The bastard!

Mr Z must be burling* in his grave!

* I'm not really sure, but I think that 'burling' may be a word that doesn't really exist outside Scotland. Please substitute 'spinning' instead.

You can view the original here.

Angry

I've found myself to be quite angry over the last week or so, yet I have no idea why.
I've been extremely annoyed by the slightest small thing, and have been quite sarcastic to anyone to offers any help (my apologies to The Demon). Again, I'm not sure why.
I kinda feel like smashing a window, kicking over a plant pot, just doing something destructive to alleviate my anger.

I thought getting out on my mountain bike last night would help me to burn off some of this rage, but my bike broke down after about 30 minutes and this just poured more fuel onto the anger fire, but when I got home and found out the price of a new part, I was angrier still!

Then I get behind the wheel of a car.
Lets not go there.

What the fuck is going on?!

Male menopause?
Mid-life crisis?
Nervous breakdown?

Be warned, Jaggy.

In My head . . .

. . . this is me . . .


. . . but in reality, this is me!

TV Theme Tunes: 2

Be honest, they definitely don't write theme tunes like they used to.

Hawaii 5-O


The Man From uncle


The New Avengers


The High Chaparral


Magnum P.I.


You liked Magnum best, didn't you?
That's ok, everyone does. It's great.

Easy Cash

I don't smoke. Never have, never will. Yet I was flabbergasted, yes, flabbergasted, to find out that NHS bosses in Dundee are actually going to pay 1800 people nearly £50 a month to give up.

Are you fucking kidding me!?

Pay people to stop smoking?

Has the world suddenly shifted on it's axis slightly?
Have I woken up in another dimension?
Is this the Twilight Zone?

Why don't we just give Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty a couple of grand to quit smack, or lob some cash at Chris Langham if he gives up kiddie porn?!

Everyone knows the health risks that you run by smoking, and everyone knows that smoking related conditions are a fucking HUGE burden on the NHS. If you're aware of all this, yet wish to continue puffing away, by all means do so, but I don't see why my hard earned tax cash should be used to bail you out. Fuck that.

This leads into a whole other Pandora's Box of issues.
Should you be refused treatment if you continue to behave in a manner detrimental to your health? It's a bit of a gray area, but broadly speaking, yes.

Drank your life away and fucked your liver? Ok, here's a new one. Stop drinking.
Smoked 60 a day? Fine, here's your treatment. Give up.

It's not rocket science. If it causes an injury every time you bang your head off a wall, don't bang your head off a wall. If it makes you worse every time you smoke, don't smoke.

Or...

I know you like banging your head off walls, but I'll give you £12.50 a week if you don't do it.

Get real.

Ride Me, Baby!

Calling all UK mountain bikers!

You may be aware of the UK governments 'Cycle To Work' scheme that The Jagmeister was blogging about yesterday, but if you're clever, you can blag yourself some tasty new machinery at ridiculously low prices!

For example, if I were to try and replace my Morewood up there with a brand new complete bike, then it'd probably cost me the thick end of £2000+ or so (difficult to work out as Morewood don't supply complete bikes, you'd have to build your own), but going through the CycleScheme policy, you'd get the same bike for £1174.47.

No brainer!

Let the good times roll!

Ring Rang-A-Dong For A Holiday

Sometimes, just sometimes, something can be SO bad that it becomes priceless.
I think this qualifies.

The (not very much) Happening

Oh dear.

M. Night Shamalamadingdong, you promised me SO much in the trailer!

I can't believe what I've just sat through. 90 minutes that would barely make into a Hammer House Of Horror script. 'The Happening' is one of the worst films I've seen in a long time. From half way through, when the plot is starting to unravel, I found myself thinking "He better not be planning on ending this film the way I think he's going to?!", and he did. I don't really want to spoil it for anyone, but if I did you'd be thanking me. As for the cast, well, you know things are bad when John Leguizamo is the best actor in the film! Mark Wahlberg is as wooden as a 12 foot dining table, and Zooey Deschanel (Trillian from Hitchikers) is to acting what the drummer from Def Leppard is to juggling.

I liked 'The Village' and 'Unbreakable', and I loved 'Signs', but I've had urinary tract infections that are better than this film.

Avoid at all costs. 1/10

Anticlimax

Firefox 3.
It's finally here.
I have it. Right now.

Can someone please explain to me what all the fuss was about?
Don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer in The Mozilla Foundation and I've used their excellent web browser, Firefox, and email client, Thunderbird, for some years now, but F/Fox3 looks exactly like the old one, which it's supposed to I suppose, but I'm completely in the dark as to what improvements have been made 'under the hood' so to speak.

Can any geeks out there enlighten me? In queens english please.

Charidee: Part 2

Let me clarify something before I go any further:

I do not do sentimentality.

With that out of the way, let's continue.
I've just popped my blood sample in the post and it's winging its way to the secret underground bunker that houses the laboratories of The Anthony Nolan Trust as we speak.
I've been a registered organ donor and blood donor for as long as I've been legally allowed to. All it took was seeing my friend's dad as he waited for a liver transplant and that was me, signed up and take whatever still works. I'd forgotten about the bone marrow register but then I stumbled upon Adrian Sudbury's blog. Adrian's blog is one of the most popular you're likely to come accross. His writing is inventive and witty, with no sense of self pity. I say self pity because his Leukaemia is probably going to kill him soon.

Now I'm not a preacher. I'm not asking anyone to rally to the cause. I don't think badly of people who say things like "Oh no, there's no way they're cutting me open when I'm gone".

Ok, I lied about the last one, I think they're total arseholes, but my point is this:

If you have it in your power to save someone, why the fuck wouldn't you do it?

All it takes is 5 minutes on a questionaire, then another 5 with your GP for the blood sample a week or so later. Job done.
Once again, this isn't sentimentality. It's a no brainer.

I love my life, I'm having a blast, and it's great to be alive. So many mountains to ride my bike down, so many gigs to bounce around at, so many books to consume, so many films to digest, but if it were all to come crashing down, I'd like to believe that someone out there would help me when I needed it most. So it's my own selfishness that's driving me. I'm a donor because I damn well want to live. No hypocrisy.

Join the party.


This week I'm listening to 'Brothers On A Hotel Bed' by Death Cab For Cutie.

My 15 Minutes

As Cilla Black did sing "Surprise, surprise. The unexpected hits you between the eyes" and it was a surprise indeed to find out that my blog has received a brief mention in no less an esteemed tome than The Sunday Mail. Now I'd like to think that they selected me because of my piercing insight and keen intellect, but it's more likely to be random chance, but, never one to knock back some publicity, I'll now be listing my blog as The Sunday Mail 'editors choice'!

Thanks Misssy for the heads up.

Upstanding Member Of The Community

Read it and weep, Jaggy!

Women And Other Minorities.

Woman.
God knows, I love you all as a species, but I really don't have a clue what goes on in your heads.
Let's look at the lovely Reese Witherspoon for example, shown above parading her United Nations Women's Empowerment bracelet. She made her first appearance on the big screen at the age of 15 in the 1991 movie 'The Man In The Moon' and has seen her career grow to the point where she's now one of Hollywood's highest earning stars, making between 15 - 20 million dollars a movie, so what she knows about the struggle of oppressed women across the world is completely lost on me.

While we're at it, women fire fighters.
WTF is that all about?
Let's be clear about one thing. If my house is on fire, I want a fireMAN who looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger in 'Commando' except with more steroids, a man who can knock down walls with his bare hands, a man who looks like he can carry a whole bus to safety, to smash down the door of my house and lift my unconscious body to sanctuary. Mr Jaggy, for example, is not what you would call 'slight of build', and were he to find himself overcome by fumes in the upstairs of his burning house, I reckon his chances of survival would be slim at best if Fire Fighter Judy was sent in to save him.

Female Soldiers.
Yes you can point a gun, yes you can throw a grenade, yes you can climb up that wall on the assault course using the rope like Richard Gere did, but lets see you tackle a knife-wielding Somalian militia man when your gun jams, or drag your wounded comrade onto that Blackhawk whilst hefting your M240 and letting off a few rounds at the insurgents. It ain't happening.

I fully realise that my opinions may offend some of the fairer sex, but that's not my intention. I just think that political correctness is creating more problems than it fixes. I mean you no disrespect, but the reality is that just because you legally can do a thing, doesn't mean you should.

Blokes On Bikes

I've just returned from the UCI Mountain Bike World Cup races at Fort William, and what a top weekend it was. Lets start at the beginning.

The road from the central belt of Scotland up into the Highlands and on to Fort William itself passes through some of the most incredible landscape in the UK, possibly even the world. If you're passing through here, bring a camera.

We arrived at the Nevis Bank Hotel in Fort William on Saturday afternoon, and from the outside it looks like the respectable, family run, two star hotel that the website claims. Well that would be true if your family were all Polish, and the two star rating was optimistic at best!
Anyway, it had a bed, which was all we really wanted.
Inevitably, the beers started flowing around 6ish in the afternoon and that's where everything started to go Pete Tong. Some fucking bright spark, I'll not say who it was but he is rather freckly, decided that we should try some of the local beers, including one flavoured with Elderflower. It was like drinking fabric softener. To cut a long story short, we found ourselves at a caleigh dance in the town hall along with several hundred other heavily intoxicated mountain bikers. All was going well until two of my friends, I won't name them but one is a 'relationship manager' and the other looks like The Edge from U2, sat on one of the tables scattered around the hall, promptly snapping the leg off of it, and depositing them and everyone's drinks all over the floor. The rest of the night is a bit fuzzy, but as it drew to a close we found ourselves wandering back along the main road to our hotel past a house that had a trampoline in the front garden. You don't have to be Mystic Meg to work out what happened next. Some of the group, I won't reveal who it was but one is freckly, one is a 'relationship manager', one looks like The Edge, and one has a lot of product in his hair, decided that the lure of said trampoline was too much to resist and invaded the garden of the house . . . just as a police car was driving past. It was around this point that I was doubled over, laughing SO hard that it was actually painful. I should point out that we're all approaching 40!

Time passes.
I woke up on the Sunday with a monumental hangover, and even the thought of any kind of cooked breakfast was enough to have me heading for the toilet, and I wasn't the only one.
It took some time, and a few venison burgers, before some semblance of normality was resumed.

The racing.
The downhill course at Fort William has to be seen to be believed. Huge speed, big air, and that's just the women! Some parts of the course scare the hell out of me, but the competitors seem to have no regard for life or limb and throw themselves and their machinery down the hill with seemingly reckless abandon. Having said that, they are mostly a lot younger than me.
The event itself is run much like downhill skiing. A timed semi-final has an eventual group of the fastest riders, 21 for the women, 70 for the men, who then make their run at 1 minute intervals, slowest riders first. This makes for a great finish, with the fastest runs coming towards the end of each event.

The womens event was a very popular home win for Britain's Tracy Moseley, who fired herself and her KONA down the course in a time that would have beaten more than a few of the male competitors!

The mens race was a belter, with the lead being swapped between at least 8 or 9 riders. Crowd favourite Steve Peat looked like he was going to take home the silverware for a time, but eventually South Africa's Greg Minaar defied gravity and physics long enough on his Santa Cruz to win.

'Exciting' doesn't even begin to describe the downhill event. I thought it was incredible, and I'm damn sure I'll be back next year.

Where Are They Now?

As I was driving home today I happened upon a soundbite from John Craven on the radio (for those not from our shores, John presented a kids news show on UK television when I was growing up), which got me wondering where he was now. Now I know he does a programme called 'Countyfile', but this got me to thinking about other tv personalities that have left an imprint on me as I was growing up:

Judith Hann.
Presenter of the late, great, 'Tomorrow's World'. The Gadget Show of the eighties.

Sally James.
Presenter of 'Tiswas', and the first woman that ever had an effect on my gentleman's area.

Paul Darrow.
Played 'Avon' in the 70's/80's tv show 'Blake's 7'

Daley Thompson.
For a brief time in my life, I was convinced he was the only black man in Britain, then Benny appeared in Grange Hill.

The bloke who played Alan Carter in 'Space 1999'. Apparently his name is Nick Tate, and he was always my favourite character.

Anyone got any others?